Friday, January 23, 2015

I really, really need ...

Simba in blue
I need to keep things in perspective.

People say I need to see the good in a situation ... that I should focus on or talk about only the positive.  I don't completely disagree, but there are two issues with this advice.

1 - Things are not always black or white ,,, good or bad ... positive or negative.  Most everything falls somewhere in between, or are at least a mixture of the two.

2 - If I don't mention what was bad in a situation you may not realize why or how I judge the good.

If I were to simply say, "At least he wasn't hurt." ... that would be the good news, but without the context you won't understand why.

My son was in a car accident.  The damage to the car was pretty bad ... possibly totaled.  At least he and the friend in the car weren't hurt.

Burrito from
Tacos Mi Pueblo
The accident is bad.  There is no positive in that aspect of the discussion, but if I talk about it it does not mean I am focusing on the negative.

I am not happy that my son had an accident.

I am thrilled beyond words that nobody was injured ... and if put into the proper perspective (at least what I think is the proper perspective) this the is only important aspect.

So why am I rambling?

I don't know ... why do I ever ramble on things?

A few days ago I went to see the orthopedic surgeon for my knee.  I needed to discuss my options.  I so love Dr. Mazurek.  He is simply a wonderful person and a fantastic doctor.

Do I like the fact that I need to see him again? ... No.

Sunrises - one reason
I love photography
We decided surgery was the most realistic option.  He asked when I wanted to take care of it. All I said was soon ... ... February 6.

Wow.  That IS soon!!

Keeping this in perspective, the most important thing here is I have an option that will likely make me feel better ... I have the insurance to help offset the cost.  Another definite plus is spending a week or so with my beautiful Pam ... maybe even sneak in some photography.

Today I went to get a chest x-ray because of the growth ... the tumor that was removed from my chest 2 years ago.  When I checked in at the imaging facility everything went well.  I asked the receptionist for them to call me Tiffanie rather than what is still on my legal records.

When the tech came out I hear the wrong name echoing through the room.  I sat still because I was hoping there was another person with that name.

Sunsets - another reason
I love photography
Nope.

Honestly, I was really bummed.  For the first time in a very long time I felt like the sideshow freak with everyone staring at me walking across the room.  The receptionist was already pointing out the mistake to the tech and then mouthed, "I'm sorry" as I walked up.

"It's alright."  I smiled ... or tried to.

Putting this in perspective is a little more complex.  I was there for an x-ray because the growth in my chest was discovered and despite its size was removed without any real complications.

Despite the name goof today, I am truly living as a lady ... I am a lady.  The misspeak by the tech hurt for a moment, but it reminds me of how far I've come in just a few years ... and it gave me a chance to wink and smile at the redneck dufus sitting near the exit as he glared at me walking out.

At least I had a giggle.

Burrito bowl
from Freebirds
I can't describe the yearning to change my gender and name legally, but there are things that are so much more important.  I think today showed me that regardless of my legal status I am a female.  If people did not think I was female they would not have stared at me with such shock when I eventually responded to the name.

At Freebirds (an awesome Mexican fast food / burrito place) I was back to me ... to Tiffanie.  No questions about my name nor gender.  Pam and I were just a couple of ladies having a late lunch.  It was a wonderful part of a mediocre afternoon.

The negatives still bother me ... they will always be there ... I will keep complaining about them.

So ... to end this on a positive.  I had a very strange epiphany ... maybe more like overdue than strange ... and not incredibly life changing.  Just something I noticed.

Seeing me
for the first time
I saw a photo as it scrolled into my view on the computer monitor.  I wasn't paying close attention to details as I was looking for something else.  "Who is this lady ... and why is she showing up on my Facebook?"

When I actually looked I realized it was me.

When did this happen?  I look at so many pictures and see him still behind my face ... I compared the photo to older ones.  I am truly amazed that I see nothing but Tiffanie in this one photo ... alright, seeing actual cleavage helped a bit, but whatever.  Others have told me for quite a while how feminine I look, but seeing it for myself feels wonderful.