Friday, November 7, 2014

After changes upon changes ...

 ... We are more or less the same



After changes we are
More or less the same

What is change?

Waiting with family
before a marathon

Many people throw this term around, but do we really think about it?  There are different definitions of the word, so it can be used to express many concepts or situations

Change:  To substitute for another.

"I changed my clothes." or "I changed the flat tire."

These, and other similar statements express physical, tangible or measurable items.  It is quite obvious when I come home in a skirt and heels and I am soon wearing sweats and fuzzy socks that something is different.

On the other hand ... I may be in different clothes, but did I really change?  Did the clothes I removed really change?

I have taken the tire with no air off the car and put on a usable one, but did the tire somehow change?  Did the car change?

This train of thought may not be linear ... it does not easily move from one point to the next ... there may not seem to be a logical next point ...

Change: To pass gradually into

Unless you are absolutely still you are moving.  If you are moving you are passing from one area to another.

Using this logic everyone is continuously changing ... but what exactly is changing?  It is likely different for every single person on this planet.

There are the obvious physical changes.  Small children grow taller ... young girls become women ... older people may wrinkle or become feeble ... but do these attributes define the person?

I would hope not.

The high school athlete who went to college and now has a desk job and has gained 50 or 100 pounds, has he changed?  If he was a genuinely nice person in school and is still a genuinely nice person now then the weight ... the lack of physical fitness means nothing.

But yet I am certain that some judge him just due to his size.  Fat equals lazy ... the jovial fat man ... walking heart attack.

If he loses the weight again he still won't change as a person ... but yet some will judge him or question his motifs.

Guess he can't win.

Many times since I was young I've been told life is a journey.

Journey - Passage or progress from one stage to another:

One of my many
Pittsburgh Steelers
uniforms

For a child, growing is simply part of a journey.  For an adult the journey is likely not so simple or easily defined.

I have many journeys which run concurrently.

I have talked openly here about my ongoing battle with depression ... the feelings ... the actions ... the helplessness.  Did this change me?

Likely ... to a small degree.

I am likely more emotional ... but I have always been sensitive and emotional, although I have tried to hide these aspects from those who prey on those they perceive as weaker than them.

I may connect with or understand people's struggles ... but I have always had a deeply empathic perception of people, events, animals.  Of course most people would tell me I am assigning emotions to animals because they do not feel emotion the way humans do.

Whatever.

I have had some people tell me that I am different ... I am angry ... negative ... cold ... ... different.

No ... I've always been angry.  This is a defense mechanism.  It protects me from people trying to be close to me only to hurt me in the end ... it was learned ... it was necessary.  Perhaps I seem angry because you seem to be a threat.

I have always been pessimistic.  I see the flaws in plans ... I notice weaknesses is strategies.  I have caught grief for it most all of my life.  I still get occasionally chastised for not seeing the bright side ... but I am right much more often than I am wrong.

One trait I cannot seem to turn off is how I react to situations.  I have always said that I am a mirror ... I reflect back what I am perceiving.

If you think I am cold, angry or negative then look at how you are approaching me ... I mean really honestly look ... from all angles ... from different mindsets ... it may surprise you.

For my entire life I have known I am transgender ... or as I prefer to say, I have known I am female.  Does the fact that I have finally come to terms with this make me different?

Ummmm ... not really.

I look different.  Duh!!  I had my beard lasered off, I wear makeup and estrogen has softened my skin and started some breast formation.

Do I behave differently?

I cannot truly answer this question.  I believe things are a bout the same ... a few hormonal moments, but nothing horribly different.

I have learned that I do not need to hide my emotions, but they have always been there.

Our son's 21st
birthday lunch
A beer sampler
 to celebrate
I am learning to accept myself ... trying to love myself.  If this is the big change in behavior that people see I truly apologize ... but I would think you would be happy to see me raising my self esteem even if is just a minute amount.

I have gained confidence and learned that some people really like me ... I mean the real me, not what I was pretending to be.  I don't believe that gaining confidence is bad.  It does not mean I respect others less, I just know that I have some value as well.

I do like it when I hear, "Well, you've had 40 years getting used to this.  You can't expect everyone just to suddenly accept the new you."

Well ... first off, I spent 44 years hiding and denying that I ever really existed ... trying to lock myself away so deep that I would never truly live.  This almost killed me.  I have been in counseling for my gender issues since 2012.  The majority of the first year was trying to accept myself.  I started living as me in 2013.

Secondly, I have stated all along that I know that some will never be able to truly accept me.  That is fine ... that is their decision.  It is very likely that many of these people did not have a high opinion of me in the first place.  It is possible that there are other reasons to ignore, neglect or reject me.

None of this is for me to worry about.  I am happy ... I am closer to Pam than ever before ... I am closer to God than ever before.

Maybe I have changed ... but despite the changes I am more or less the same.

Simon & Garfunkel - The Boxer"

Now the years are rolling by me
The are rocking easily
I am older than I once was
And younger than I’ll be
But that’s not unusual
No, it isn’t strange
After changes upon changes
We are more or less the same
After changes we are
More or less the same