Sunday, October 26, 2014

As things go ...

Me ... no makeup,
no photo touch ups
I find myself getting lost in a quagmire of strange and often disconnected thoughts.

This blog was started just over 2 years ago.

Filled with doubts, dealing with depression and anxiety, scared of losing everything I dumped my thoughts ... my deepest fears ... my biggest battles out for people to see.

And people did see it.

I do not understand why people read this, but they do.

Very recently, in a conversation with my counselor I mentioned the following thought:

        Two years ago I never imagined I would ever make it this far.

        I've been living full time for a year ... but it all seems so long ago.  It's strange.  I feel like 
        I've been here ... living as a female for a long time.  I don't understand why all that seems 
        so far away now, but it does.

        All those fears ... the doubts.  I never thought I would get here.

Yeah, I know ... that's not earth shattering.  It is, however, an epiphany ... a realization that in the midst of the crises over the past few years I have not only survived ... I've began to thrive.

For fun I typed "Tiffie meme"
into a google search.
This was one of the results
It's how I feel sometimes ...
Nice try, but not quite

There is still much work to do.  There are likely down days or depressive periods in my future.  There are some issues I have not dealt with as of yet.  I am not saying I am doomed to be despondent and filled with despair for the rest of my life ... I'm just being realistic in the way emotional energy flows.

Other than this blog I sometimes jot down thoughts ... ideas that pass through my brain at 1,000 mph and leave some remnants behind.

Often these thoughts are negative.  "I can't do this," or, "I will never achieve that."

The lingering doubts and self degradation has not been kind to me ... I have not been kind to myself.  I am trying to learn how.

A few days ago I started writing.  I wasn't sure what I was going to write, just that a the first glimmers of a concept were forming.

There was a comment about happiness and success ... how to achieve it, what it really was.  I don't want to quote it as it is not the point.  The point is I did not completely agree with it and I was not sure why.  This is what I ended up writing:

        I am likely one of the luckiest women in the world. I don't always feel that way, but really I am.

        I live in a world that depicts and judges success with standards like beautiful physical

        appearance, the number in your bank account, what college degree one holds, how successful
        are your children, what is your job title and many other truly irrelevant benchmarks.

        I am not saying that these items are not nice to achieve or acquire ... I'm just saying they are

        not necessary to be considered a success. 

        The dictionary defines success as "The accomplishment of one's goals." A very old definition

        simply means, "Outcome." 

        If you really want me to go all etymology geek on you I could mention that the root of the 

        word is from Latin Suc meaning "Come after" or "Go near" and Cede meaning "To endure" 
        or "To turn out well."

        Success ... a form of the word succeed ... To come after enduring.

        - I have a beautiful wife.
        - We have an awesome son.
        - I have a job where I help and teach people ... and help special needs kids.
        - I have achieved many goals.

        I still have many goals I would like to achieve ... I suppose that is necessary or I really have 

        no reason to push forward. I may never achieve all of my goals, but I will endure. And 
        whatever comes after the enduring, according to the definition make me a success.

So why do I bother sharing this?

Don't know, really.
My beautiful Pam
and our son Tim

Maybe I am figuring that at some point in the future I will need to be reminded of these words.  Maybe they are written for somebody else who is suffering through a hard time and may stumble across them.  Maybe it is simply because I am seeing my path clearly for the first time ... not just the direction I am heading, but where the path is leading and understanding that I really am moving forward.

We will see.