Sunday, March 9, 2014

What do I want ... ...

My Universe
a recent photo manipulation by
Something somewhat strange occurred the other night ... I found myself happy.

So some of you are likely saying, "You've been happy before ... ..."

Well, yes ... but no.

This was a different happy ... this was an at ease, giddy sort of happy ... the "I just graduated ... got married ... had a baby" or other important life event type happy.

It was an incredible realization ...

When I do not dwell on insignificant, often stupid little issues ... when I do not allow them to distract me or burden me, it is the most wonderful feeling being me.

I have felt similar to this.  A brief period in August / September ... after going full time and coming out at work ... before the worsening of my depression and other issues  ... before the happiness went away.

I didn't want to go to sleep.  I was afraid I'd lose this feeling again.

It was pouring outside when I awoke.  I was groggy ... tired ... out of sync ... but I still felt happy.  I still felt like me.  I went outside to see if one our cats wanted in ... no coat ... no shoes ... just walking around in the rain and loving it.  It was a magical ... almost childlike sensation.  I've always loved the rain; it feels cleansing and recharging.

I do know that not every day will feel this good.  It is just the nature of depression to have up days and down.  Knowing I have had two very good days in a row gives me hope that more are on the way.  I can handle a few bad days if even moderately good days balance them out.

I still have much to work on ... many issues to resolve, but I am in a better place to work on them now.

So ... what do I want ... ...

Well this list could likely take a while if I were to list everything I wanted, so I will stick to some basics:

- I want to be happy

This is not being greedy nor selfish.  In fact it is quite the opposite.  If a person is happy they have a much greater capacity to give than if they are not.

The issues that I have struggled with for years need not be the cage which holds me captive.  They may be a challenge ... even overwhelming at times, but not insurmountable.  It may take some work to get there, but it will be worth the effort.

- I want to be accepted

This is not an ego thing ... it's a human thing.

Waves splashing on the rocks
Ventura, California
I understand not everyone has the capacity to accept what they do not understand ... what they believe is wrong.

I also know that there are many, many people who are incredibly loving, accepting and supportive.  I cannot force anyone to accept me, and that is not my goal ... it is not even realistic.  I simply want to surround myself by those who love and appreciate me for me.

It far to easy for a person to change who they are and try to fit in with those near them ... it is quite different for people to be themselves and let those who are a fit for them find them.

- I want to live

This is not a desperate plea.  It is not a social or political statement.  It is a realization.

I want to be me.

I want to enjoy the time I have with the ones I love ... and not be dragged down by those who do not understand.  Life itself is a special gift if you simply open it and and see what's inside.

We don't always get the gift we want ... we don't necessarily understand why we were given what we have, but it is a gift.

If I was given a choice would I choose these same gifts?

Pretty flowers
I'm not sure.

A few years ago I would have said no, but I have met so many wonderful people on this journey ... people I otherwise never would have met ... people who have had a wonderful and positive impact on my life.  How can this be a bad thing?  How could anyone not feel happy when I have such a group of friends and family who truly support and love me ... the real me, not the me they expect.

- Do I deserve these things?

This is something I struggle with.

Not that I
believe I shouldn't want these things, but to deserve something ... to say I am worthy of, or justified in pursuing these things, that's difficult to do for some reason.

About the best I can do for now is keep my goals in sight and strive for them.  In the long run life will likely allow me to have what I truly deserve.

*** ***

As is typical, life has a sense of humor ... or is simply sadistic.  I began writing this post last Monday, but I did not post it immediately after I was done writing.

As if on some cosmic cue a series of events happened ... events that would push me to my limits even if I weren't dealing with my current issues ...

But I am dealing with them.

Near Channel Islands Monument
Ventura, Ca.
There was no single huge item ... not any one specific thing that caused me troubles, rather a bunch of tiny, stupid events hitting simultaneously and continuously over the better part of a 30 hour period that overwhelmed me.

Of course, being buried in sand can kill you just as easily as being crushed by a boulder.

It was definitely a not so friendly reminder of just how quickly I can spin out of control ... not that I needed reminding.