Wednesday, February 5, 2014

so I walked ...

... I didn't have to ... I didn't even want to.  I didn't go far, nor did I go fast, but I did go.

So here's the conundrum ... I am hiding, or at least pretending.  When I am work, when I am in public and sometimes in front of family I am hiding how much my depression has worsened ... I am hiding the PTSD symptoms and self destructive behaviors it has led to.  I try and act like nothing is wrong.  I try to act upbeat.  It is the professional thing ... the socially acceptable thing to do ... but this is emotionally and physically draining, and at times exacerbates the situations.

Why is it that we feel obligated ... that people expect us to say, "I'm fine" when we're asked how we are?

At times I wonder if it wouldn't be better to say, "I'm having a rough day."

Sometimes I wonder if I should just have my meltdown or my anxiety attack in front of everyone rather than trying to be discrete and excusing myself to a private area.

Would that help?  Would that resolve some of my issues? ... I don't know.

Most of the people I work with have no clue about my depression, let alone my more recent issues.  They are very supportive of my transition and are happy for me.  Would discovering that I feel on the brink of insanity change how they view me?

I don't know ... and I will likely never find out.

So the questions are how do I put these issues behind me without bottling them up again?

How do I deal with issues without becoming consumed or engulfed by them?

How do I let go of pain that is so pervasive that it is intertwined with every aspect of me ... my spirit ... my being?

It seems like if I choose to deal with them I will be pushed beyond the brink of insanity ... but if I don't deal with them soon this run away train will go over the cliff anyway.

Is there a way out of this?

I was sitting outside the CHP office as a trainee took their drive test.  The air was chilly, the sky was clear with a very mild breeze from the north ... perfect running or riding weather.

I was almost in tears.

As usual my mind was spinning at 1,000,000 rpms about 1,000 different things ... that's 1,000 rpms per thought ... pretty impressive, but not the point I was making ...

I was mulling over everything that's happened recently ... things I've been told, advice I've been given, how things were a few years ago ... ten years ago.  I could hear my doctor imploring me to exercise ... reminding me that the endorphins will help with the depression ... that I used to love my bike rides.

This made me feel worse.  I just wanted to ... to ... to do nothing.

I know it's up to me to change my behaviors ... so I walked ... I didn't have to ... I didn't even want to.  I didn't go far, nor did I go fast, but I did go.