Sunday, December 29, 2013

What a difference a pain makes

Despite my attempts to be as open as possible in my entries there are certain areas of my mind and soul that I am not ready to expose to the world for critique.

The darkest areas of of my being.

The issues buried so deep ... protected so well they should never see the light of day.

The thing about packing things so tight and so deep is it doesn't take much pressure to start the seams ripping.  Once the breach begins it is only a matter of time before everything unravels ... and the pain of the tearing fabric is intense ... beyond words ... beyond emotions.

It is amazing what the human spirit can tolerate ...

It is scary what the mind will do to cope with such pain.

I am beginning to learn this.

I cannot explain ... I do not understand ... I don't know that I want to.

My muse is painting disturbing, macabre images ... telling dark, frightening stories.  It is not unusual for her to be a bit chilling or somber ... this often releases anxiety and tension.  Recently she seems to have incited darker more terrifying thoughts ...

Thoughts that have encouraged alarming actions ...

Actions I have little control over.

After discussing my issues with my doctor he added a new antidepressant.  It has helped a little ... but just a little.  I feel a bit less edgy ... a little less physical pain ... a little more clear minded.

But the voices remain ...

They taunt and torment me ... much like my classmates from years ago.

Although the rage is much less than a few weeks ago, the voices evoke strong emotional reactions from me ... emotions I am not sure I can deal with ... emotions that eat away at the foundation of my being.

This past week was very emotional ... too many things to discuss compounded atop each other increasing my stress exponentially ... chipping away at my emotionally stability ... encouraging the voices to harass me.

It started with the now familiar murmurs in the distance, and like before it graduated to the laughing and taunting.

I couldn't drown them out ... I couldn't ignore them.

I felt the emotions building.

The voices began chanting, "It won't hurt ... it won't hurt."

I am torn about how much detail I want to give.  At some point I may feel more comfortable discussing this in more detail.  I have given some cryptic hints, so you may have an idea what I am referring to.  All I will say for now is this ...

They were right ... it didn't hurt.

I found a moment of relief ... but merely a moment.  As I thought about what I had done I began to become more agitated.

It is quite disconcerting to think I may not be in control of my own mind ... my thoughts ... my actions.

I have much to work on ... much to learn ... many issues that are surfacing that will need to be resolved if I ever expect to find a level of normal.