Thursday, September 12, 2013

The Whole 1 ...

I will start by saying that I have had a pretty good week ... not perfect ... not even great, but pretty good.

I get the feeling that some people thought I was a bit hard on myself in my last post.  Perhaps I was a bit terse, but everything was factual ... I self destruct, sabotage my own efforts and I don't know why.  This truth became evident at work recently.  Without going into details I will simply say I made a mental error ... not once, but twice.  This error is not anything that would get the company in trouble with the law, nor is it anything that anyone outside the yard will likely ever discover ... but I know about it.

Worse than that, Maggie found out before I could tell her.

I felt like I betrayed her ...

I won't go into the details of the tears and guilt.  I will say I bought a card to apologize and wrote a note reiterating my concerns that I implode in some areas after improving in others.

She agrees.  She has noticed this tendency in me since she came to our facility in 2005.

I took a copy of my last three blog posts to Catharine knowing that I would not have the time to discuss all the events since our last visit ... and that I would likely sidestep anything truly involving underlying issues.

She will read them ... she will ask ... but I still have to talk ... and I don't know what the issues are ... or maybe I don't want to know.

I've very recently started the process of filling a void I've felt for the past year ... the void left when I jumped ship from my former Facebook life and started a new one.  I have ... or had many friends that I very much would like to keep in contact with.  Friends from a Christian writer's site, from the triathlete site I mention often, and many I have just grown close to over the years.

But they don't know about me ... what if they don't want anything to do with me?  What if ... what if ... what if ...

I am truly my own worst enemy.

The absolute worst thing that could happen is they would read the message and not want to be friends ... or possibly tell me they no longer want to be friends.

I can live with this.

I can live with this for several reasons, but the the two that are highest on my list are:

1 - I have made many new friends on this journey,  Although the loss of old friends would be painful, I still have friends.

2 - I do not want "sympathy friends"  I do not want people who feel they have to remain friends even though they disapprove of my choices.

I got my answer ... ...

Every single person I have told has wanted to remain my friend.  Better than that, several have already read parts of my blog and shared links for diets, pod casts, exercise and other advice ... I still have not had a chance to check them all out.

I wonder how I can be so truly blessed ... what have I done to deserve this wealth of kindness and support.

I am not certain I will ever understand, and I most certainly can never repay the generosity others have shown me.

About the title of the post ...

As I have tried many eating plans with varying degrees of success.  I have tried everything from Weight Watchers to low carb to Nutrisystem and my personal favorite, the salami and nachos diet.

I have weighed as little as 190 pounds as an adult when I worked for Oxnard Ambulance.  At that weight I felt weak and sluggish, but I looked skinny ... well, like a skinny fire plug.  I was at my most athletic at 220 pounds playing volleyball and bouncing on a trampoline for hours on end.

One eating plan I have wanted to try is the paleo diet.  I heard about it years ago, I believe on but cannot promise that, and since that time have heard of many athletes from MMA fighters to endurance athletes who have tried it with amazing results.

But I cannot commit to anything.  How could I possibly do this?  I mean, no dairy ... no grains ... no legumes ... no cheese ... ... Yes, I know that's dairy ... but it's cheese!!

But then again I cut out most refined food, most dairy and all cheese when I have success losing weight ... why am I hesitating?

Ironically, one of the links my friends sent was for the "The Whole 30 Program."

30 days?

I can do 30 days without self destructing ... can't I?

I had a couple practice paleo meals just to get the feel for it.  The next logical step was to have a paleo day ... actually, the next logical step would be to just start the 30 days, but I don't have enough of the right food on hand to go more than a couple days.  So I did a paleo day ... which turned into a paleo day and a half.

"The Whole 1" ... I did it.  It is a tiny accomplishment, but it is something.

What about 30 days?  I think I can do this.  I like the food, I just have to get used to having a real breakfast rather than a drink ... or nothing.

I have no delusions.  I will never have the ideal feminine body ... estrogen will only create a slightly curvy fire plug.  But my goal is not to be the ideal socially acceptable physically fit woman.  My goal is better health and better fitness.

If I cannot gain a better level of fitness then I will never achieve my goals.

If I cannot stick to this plan for 30 days then I am far more self destructive then I ever realized and desperately need help.

As with my last post I am only sharing one picture ... one picture from my past.  Nine years ago to be exact.  I weighed 255 pounds and could ride that bicycle 20 miles ... that was a mental barrier ... I could never go beyond 20 miles.  About a month after this picture was taken I rode this bicycle about 17 miles away from my apartment ... if I wanted to get home I would have to ride farther than 20 miles or walk my bicycle home.  Within another month I was riding 40+ miles every weekend.  Within 8 months I bought a new road bike.

Those who remember me from may remember this pic.  I slightly blurred the face ... and I probably lied about my weight back when I first posted it.