Saturday, September 21, 2013

A bunch of nothing ... ...

This entry doesn't have a specific direction as I sit here and start to type.  Nothing really earth-shattering has happened ... I don't have any incredible updates ... I have not had the huge breakthrough that will make the rest of my life serene and uncomplicated; I just lived life.

I won't keep anyone in suspense.  I've only been talking about announcing my transition to the drivers for over a month now ... so here you go.

I was called in to drive a morning route Wednesday morning.  Two runs - first run was 2 wheel chairs into one school - second run was 4 wheel chair into one school.  Plenty of time to do this and get ready for the drivers' meeting.

As I started the first run I was perspiring and felt a little off ... hard to explain, but something wasn't right.  Maybe it was breakfast ... I'm still really not used to eating a real breakfast and maybe my body was just not handling it ... or maybe, very likely it was nerves.  I was finally feeling the nerves about all the drivers knowing about me.

As the second run started I knew it was not just nerves.  I was drenched with sweat and was feeling jittery and a little nauseated.

Actually, I recognized the symptoms and was just thinking, "No, no, no."  The precursors to a kidney stone.

The last several I've had passed relatively easily and with not much pain, but they are still not fun ... and especially while while loading and unloading wheel chairs.  I figured I'd finish the morning and go to the meeting and if the discomfort hadn't let up by then I would go home early and drink a gallon of water and force the little bastard out.

Then it hit.

Oh dear God!  I have not felt pain that bad since ... since ... My thoughts began to scramble, "I can't drive ... damn, I have a kid on the bus."  I slowed down to 10 mph or so and started to pull over.  "Shit.  No."  I glanced at the route sheet.  "That's about a block away.  I can get there."

I got there.  I had a moment to compose myself.  "I could have dispatch call an ambulance, but that leaves this poor kid on the side of the road freaked out while I'm being cared for," I thought.  The child I was waiting for did not come out of the house; the next stop was literally around the corner.  "It's not that far.  I can drive slow and at least get the kids to school."

I finished the route without incident.  Then I had to make a hard decision ... I decided to go home and forgo the meeting.  I asked Maggie to tell the drivers that I was going to say a few words, but there was a memo in their boxes that explained what I needed to say.

I was so disappointed.

When I got home I basically drugged myself and drank as much water as I could at the time and tried to sleep ... not very successfully, but I tried.  Eventually I dozed off for an hour or a bit more.  I woke up just before Pam got home from her sewing class.  She told me that Maggie called her to make sure I was alright ... Maggie is truly wonderful.

I called her to thank her.  She told me she announced my transition, and the drivers were very receptive.

Today I evicted my friend ... or he got tired of his surroundings.  And yes, it had to be a male ... a real pain that serves no actual purpose.  I'm glad he's gone.

As this is also my training blog I do feel obligated to follow up on a couple issues I brought up in earlier posts ... like exercise.

I have not done anything that I could categorize as exercise or training.  I have, however, done a lot of what I call intentional walking ... times where I would normally just recline in my chair at work or at home to take a mental break, I now go for a 5 or 10 minute walk.

It's a start ... a very slow start, but a start.

I feel my actual cardio is better than I might suspect, but I have not truly tested it yet.  At my weight I do not want to push too hard, too soon ... but yet there's that voice in my head saying, "C'mon Tiffie ... just turn the corner ... head toward town."  I'm so tempted ... so tempted.

I officially started my "Whole 30" paleo eating plan last Sunday.  It is very easy to follow ... everything I would normally eat while trying to lose weight or while training is on the good foods list, other than a few dairy products and a couple of my snack options I would chomp on.

Actually, I enjoy keeping my food, my meals simple and that's a lot of what this plan is about.  And I love cooking and creating rather than opening a box and sticking it in a microwave.  It's a win - win situation.  It is as much a test for myself to see if I can go a month without self sabotaging as it is about following a specific plan, or losing a certain amount of weight.

I really want to open up my sessions with Catharine to start working on some of the underlying issues I haven't truly faced yet.  The problem is I don't really know what they are ... I know they wind up in stress eating, self destructing and not completing goals and other unfavorable outcomes.

Some people do not truly understand this level of mental block.  Their answer is simply to not eat as much, or to work a little harder to achieve my goals ... and if their friend suffers an asthma attack I guess they would say, "just breathe better."

Do I have an eating disorder?  ...  Maybe ... likely ... who cares?  Why do I turn to eating?  I don't know.  Why do I allow myself to implode short of my goals?  I don't know ... Catharine has a thought that is worth pursuing, but I still need to deal with it.

I am an introvert ... my job has me dealing with, standing in front of, talking to people on a daily basis.  My goals are mainly big group events ... a marathon, a triathlon.

I have anxiety issues in large crowds ... maybe there is a correlation.

So ... have I covered everything?

Sure ... unless you want to know how the drivers reacted when I returned to work on Thursday.

Simply amazing.  Every driver I have talked to has either been openly supportive, or has acted as if nothing has changed at all.  I work with such incredible people.

I know there are many who do not know what to say to me, but I hope as they see me just being me their discomfort will fade.  I am sure there are some that do not approve of me, but if they are going to work at this bus yard they will still need to deal with me.

I was incredibly happy that some were already calling me Tiffanie on Thursday.  I understand this will take a while for everyone to get used to ... even me.  I could not have asked for a better beginning to this phase of my transition.

Well, yes I could ... It would have been nice to not have a kidney stone during this time.

my kidney stone
beside a penny