Thursday, August 15, 2013

It's just a bird ...

I feel like I come here and rehash the same issues over and over ... maybe not the exact same scenarios, but the same basic issues.

- It's time to take a step forward in my transition.  I worry myself to death.  Everything turns out ok.
- I am out in public, alone or with Pam and Sedona.  I get called ma'am and I am surprised (and  really am).  I become self conscious about my voice.
- An issue arises at work or home.  I become stressed out.  I have different emotional responses than I am used to and am unsure how to handle them.

I know I throw in other stories, pictures and off the cuff comments, but the reality is my blog is stuck in a rut.  So I don't waste a lot of time reciting every issue over the past 2 weeks I will give a brief recap:

AAaauuugh!  Geeeeeeze!  Whyyyyyyyy?  Whew!  We survived!  Waaaaiit, whaaaaat??  Not Aaggaaaaiin!!  Ddaaaammmmmmnnnn!

The good news is for the first time in over 10 years we have more drivers than we need, and we still have some working through the training process.  This means we will likely have a smooth start to the school year ... ... but there is too much corporate bs that we are wading through.

I was very pleased when a posted the awards ceremony for Lana Wachowski.  If you don't know who she is, she is one of the Matrix trilogy ... and she is transgender.  I am not one of those who automatically like a person because they are in the LGBT community, but I do respect those in the community who are true role models (whether by choice or not) and provide a positive image to those of us who may still be struggling through our self discovery.  Please, watch the video, she is fabulous.

Lana Wachowski speech

I've had a great deal of pleasure over the past weeks I've had the pleasure to watch a family of birds hatch in a nest right outside our office door.  They are too young to look like anything more than fluff with big mouths.

The drivers and staff have been careful not to disturb the nest or birds.

This afternoon I was in my office.  Laura, the dispatcher, brought a limp fluff of feathers into my office.  "It's the second time the others have kicked this one out of the nest."

I grabbed the helpless animal and cuddled it.

"I can call animal control to see if there is anything we can do for the little thing."  Laura turned and walked back down the hall.

I petted the baby bird's head.  It shivered and moved its wings.  I couldn't help but think how scared and alone the poor little guy felt.

I cried.

I know the estrogen has caused changes in my emotional responses, but I also believe that simply letting go of my male facade plays as big of a role in these reactions.  The problem?  I don't want to cry at work ... and I am not used to such an emotional response over such a simple situation.

I mean, I would never simply not care ... I would feel sad and try to help the animal, but tears were not expected.

I was supposed to have an appointment with Catharine today, but she was not feeling well.  It's a bit of a disappointment because I have so much going on right now, I could talk for 4 hours.  Really, the only transition related issues is officially "coming out" to family and coworkers ... the rest of the swill swirling through my mind is work or family related, but could also use a bit of working out before I explode.