Friday, July 26, 2013

I will not let him win

It amazing how one person can have such a negative impact on so many people.

I am referring to my brother in law.  I have mentioned him in previous rants.  I have met many disrespectful, rude, bullying, self centered ignoramuses in my life, but this asshole is the bottom most of the bottom feeders.

I have already spent far too much time and energy allowing my anger to control my thoughts.  I could not possibly list all the rude and hurtful things he has done to my wife and to my son ... he doesn't talk top me because he cannot match mental fortitude with me.  I will simply refer to the issue last night.

Timmy got a dog.  He is so happy to have her.  I have not seen him smile or heard him laugh this much in many years.

The moron calls later in the evening, while we were driving to town, screaming about how Timmy cannot have a dog.  His reasoning ...

After his mother dies 1/3 of the house is his.

Here's the problem, you idiot.  Your mother is alive ... you own 0% of the house.  And your mother said Timmy could have the dog.  Aldo, don't youy have 2 dogs pooping and peeing around you mother in law's house?  Why is it ok for you to do this but my son is not allowed to have a loving companion.

I guess if you called or visited your mother occasionally you would realize she was still alive.

At this point ... after I voiced my opinion into the frivolous argument.

Pam came unglued ... I hung up on her brother.

She called him back ... I called Timmy.  Pam was on the verge of a mental breakdown ... so was I.

As I left the car I warned Timmy that his uncle had his panties all bunched and might make things difficult.

I walked up the street.  Anger consumed every thought ... but not like anger I've felt before. I became emotional ... I began to cry ... to sob.  I sobbed so hard, but no tears came from my eyes.  I was painful ... physically and emotionally painful.  I had hurt Pam by butting in where I didn't belong and that only antagonized the bully even more.

After I left the car he began to tell a string of unfounded lies to bolster the "he cannot take care of a dog" argument.  The problem is they are obviously lies ... and they have nothing to do with the dog subject.

Then he yelled at Pam, "Do you know your husband wears makeup?"

"Yes.  And that has nothing to do with anything," she replied.

"I'm just trying to look out for you and warn you ..."

3 thoughts:

1 - My first hateful, transphobic comment and I don't even get to hear it in person ... not that rhis shithead would talk to me.  He's never liked me and has always been an ass.

When I heard that this was even said it hurt ... not hurt me because I didn't expect it ... it hurt  because it is just more ammunition that moron can use to hurt Pam.  She suffers enough ... she shouldn't have to defend me from her intolerant brother.

2 - What are you trying to warn her about?  Are you scared of me?  Does the thought of a person being true to themselves intimidate you?  We already know you are a racist, sexist bigot, so you're not warning her about that ...

3 - What the fuck does any of this have to do with a dog?  If the lies you are telling are true ... if they are only a fraction of the truth, what does that have to do with Timmy's dog?  If the fact that I am finally being true to myself is actually some form of mental illness, or somehow makes me dangerous, what does that have to do with a dog?

There is so much more to this situation, but I do not want to focus any more energy on the negative situations.

I will end this section with this thought ... I believe in karma, the rule of 3s, do unto others and all other philosophies that inspire you to treat others well.  He is one of a very few people in my life I wish to never see or deal with ever again.  He is one of possibly 2 that I wish the most horrible, anguishing existence.

I wish he feels physical and mental pain so extreme that it is not tolerable until he no longer exists,  Even this will not undo all the pain, damage and trouble he has caused Pam.

Other than those few hours on Thursday, the rest of the week was very positive.

I told another employee about my transition ... she was so excited.  She was excited because now, maybe she can borrow earrings from me ...

LOL

No.

Wednesday was a bit stressful as Sedona realized she was reaching a crisis moment ... I won't go into details as it is her personal information, but I will give her all my love, support and respect because she wanted to seek help before things got out of control.  I am so happy for her and will do everything I can to help her.

I did have fun at work ... I was just Tiffanie.  The work was still a bit tedious, and the corporate office still drives me nuts, but I was so at ease acting as myself that it didn't matter.  I am now using the ladies room exclusively ... and, although I am not dressed in frilly or girly clothes, I am presenting in a more feminine manner.

If I didn't mention it earlier, my manager and I decided to make the big group announcement at the September driver meeting.

Thursday was busy, but fun.  I accomplished most of what I was supposed to, but I left a little early.  I left so I could meet Pam and Timmy when they looked for a dog to adopt.

I was fun, and a little heartbreaking to see all the animals wanting to be taken home ... but there wasn't "the" dog for Timmy at the shelter.

Pam and Timmy decided to go to another shelter in a different city.  I went to my appointment with Catharine.  We had a wonderful conversation ... talked a bit about some of my family ... her family ... the state bird of Utah and a few other things.

After the appointment I was able to meet up with Pam, Timmy and Chispa ... his new, one year old pointer mix.  Such a beautiful animal ... So fun and so loving ... So playful, yet calm and controlled.

I have not seen my son so happy in a very long time.

This is the memory I will take from this day.

This tranquil, fun memory has helped remove the venom of hatred I feel toward the non-human who resolves to make everyone else miserable.

I do forgive ... I will not forget.  I will choose to remember the fun and love of that day, and the days in the future.

I still feel the hurt ... but not hurt for me.  I feel hurt that my loved ones are being bullied and there seems to be nothing I can do.  I will go out of my way to enjoy every moment I spend with Pam, Timmy and now Chispa and have satisfaction knowing that this idiot does not and will never understand this bond ... this love.

As strange as it sounds, the thing that brought me back to the more serene state of mind was pain.

I had another ... possibly my last (but probably not) laser treatment on my beard.  Sarah was very pleased with how well my skin is handling the treatments.  Today she turned up the juice again.  Every zap seemed increasingly intense.  Finally it dawned on me ...

Estrogen has made my skin far more sensitive.

After a few more zaps ... Sarah handed me a tissue and said, "I notice your eyes tearing up.  You are becoming a woman."

It was such a positive statement and a wonderful way to end the week.