I promised myself years ago that if I ever started hormones that I would not act totally giddy or carry on endlessly about every little change ... ...
Well, that was years ago ... This is today.
The problem with depleting my testosterone and building up my estrogen levels is I know what will eventually happen ... I know the physiological and psychological metamorphosis that will take place ... And that makes it difficult to know if something is actually happening or if it is my imagination ... my expectations that something may be happening.
I tried to keep my expectations low ...
And I found out that I didn't know everything that would happen ... or even how quickly.
On Sunday Pam and I went to Kmart. We needed a couple of specific things, but generally were just looking around. This store is always hot, and Sunday was no exception. As we reached the back of the store I felt like I was overheating from the inside out ... but that doesn't even come close to the actual sensation. I just knew I was strangely uncomfortable. I went to the fan display to try and get some air. They were unplugged.
Turn these damn things on NOW!!
As I melted into a puddle of perspiration I caught up with Pam. I didn't want to interrupt her shopping, but I didn't want to stay in the store.
I survived, and we checked out.
After a brief discussion we figured out it was my very first (but not last) hot flash. She thinks it's funny that I'm going through this ... and actually, so do I. If a part of becoming a woman is experiencing things that no man could possibly understand, then I am more than willing to endure this.
The work week was relatively uneventful as far as issues go ... but there were some interesting moments.
By Tuesday I was feeling a bit scatter brained. This alone is not entirely unusual for me, but there was something entirely different about this particular mental jumbling ... I was entirely giddy and ditsy most of the time. I figure it is mostly psychological ... the byproduct of the relief I feel for finally realizing a dream ... But some of it must be the hormonal swing.
Tuesday evening there were chocolate covered graham crackers on the counter when I got home. I am not a huge chocolate lover, but I've enjoyed these since I was young.
I grabbed one ...
Oooh my gaawd!!
Chocolate has never tasted so good. It was like somebody turned on the light switch and I could finally see how wonderful chocolate was. Surely this is just an imagined side effect ... wasn't it?
Thursday I woke up with a headache and called in sick to work. The truth of the matter is I probably could have toughed it out, but I wanted to spend the day with Pam ... I needed to cuddle ... I needed a bit of emotional support.
Thursday turned out great!!
After I felt better, Pam and I went shopping for a few essentials ... earrings, clothing and other necessities. Every where we went I was called "ma'am" or Pam and I were referred to as "ladies." But that wasn't the best part ... Pam referred to me with female pronouns!
I was elated beyond words.
I had an appointment with Catharine in the evening. I always enjoy my conversations with her (no, I'm not just saying that because you might read this ... lol ). The strange thing is I really don't remember what we talked about. I cab usually recite, almost verbatim, our conversations even days later. I do remember one of the topics was my voice ... the muscles necessary to reach higher a higher register ...
I do mess around with a female voice, it just does not sound right.
She asked me to demonstrate my female voice.
I said no ... I did feel bad about this after the appointment. I just want to ensure I sound I sound at least a trifle female before using the voice to have a conversation.
After I left Catharine's office Pam and I went to a local sushi place for dinner. "Hi ladies. Where do you want to sit?" the waitress asked as we walked in.
Well I figured this wouldn't last long. We were in public and I would be speaking ... I would either be called "sir" or the staff would be confused and not know what to call me.
Even when we left the staff said, "Have a nice night, ladies."
I was dumbfounded ... This was a fluke.
Friday night Pam and I went to Sizzler. The cashier used female terms ... the waiter used female terms ... How can this be? I may look a bit feminine, but my voice is far too masculine for anyone to accept me a female.
But this isn't even why I mentioned Sizzler ...
While we were in line I heard a general conversation behind us. After a minute I heard a woman's voice say, "How are you two?" The voice sounded a bit familiar, but I was oblivious to anyone near me.
Patricia, a coworker that helps in my office walked up beside me. "Hi."
"Oh." I flinched a bit at the unexpected interruption. "Sorry, I didn't see you. How are you?"
We chatted for a moment. Laura, another coworker caught up with us.
Both treated me very nonchalantly ... like the fact that I was wearing a very feminine top and my hair was styled a bit differently was no surprise. I don't know if seeing me dressed up answered any questions they may have had, or if it created more.
Neither are true gossip queens, but sometimes they do talk about what they've seen. I will know Monday whether they said anything ... not that it matters. It may be better if everyone just knows everything.
One step I did take at work on Friday is not even visible to most. I changed the signature line on my email. I changed my male name to "T F Chezum." I figure this will ease any shock when I legally change my name.
Friday also marked a strange milestone. One of my cats climber onto me and began kneading my chest ... Egad! My nipples are sensitive. Really? It's barely been a week.
Saturday Pam, Timmy, Sedona and I went traipsing to to Los Angeles. It's not my favorite place to go, but it is a full day together, and that's better than sitting home alone.
At the first stop Pam and Timmy went into a small shop to pick up a couple things. I decided to mess with the makeup Pam and I picked up the night before,
While Sedona sat in the back and read I played with some blush, eye liner and eye shadow ... I really had no clue what I was doing. I have messed with Pam's makeup before, but I never applied it when I was going to be seen by people.
I felt a bit insecure.
When Pam and Timmy got back into the car she looked at me and asked, "Did you put on makeup?"
"Oh my God. Your eyes are so pretty." Pam stared at me. "The makeup brings them out so much."
I was in absolute disbelief. I felt incredible emotions building inside me ... tears welled in my eyes. I didn't know what to say ... I couldn't speak ... I just stared back at her. There are no words to describe how I felt at that moment ... how much I love Pam ... how wonderful I felt after she said my eyes were pretty.
I did not cry ... the eye liner stayed in tact.
I kind of wish my coworkers could have seen me Saturday.