Sunday, June 23, 2013

Just my imagination

So week three on hormones has passed by relatively uneventfully.

I continue to ask myself how much I am simply imagining, or possibly anxiously anticipating when it comes to the estrogen therapy.

I mean ... there are so many people who have been on this journey much longer than me who have documented their experiences.  So many have stated that they neither felt nor observed no substantial changes for many weeks after starting hrt.  Some have flat out said that if I think something is happening in less than three months that I'm imagining it ... yet several have been emphatic that they have noticed some changes in days.

Everyone is different.

One of my concerns going into this step of transition is that I always seem to have a very high tolerance to medications.  If my body resists the estrogen in the same manner it resists other medications it will be a very long and arduous transition.

It hasn't.

In fact my body has seemed to thrive and come alive on estrogen ... or possibly from the lowering of my testosterone.  It's almost as if I was starving  ... and now my body ... my brain is being fed.

It is likely that many of the changes I have felt are due to the excitement of entering this new phase of my life ... or caused as I slowly release the grip on the security blanket that was my facade.

I may never know.

What I do know is I am not imagining all the things that are happening to me.

It is possible that I was imagining very early psychological changes ... I have not imagined the hot flashes.

It is possible that I was imagining my nipples being a little sore ... I am not imagining the beginning of buds forming.

It is possible that I imagined a level of euphoria as my brain was exposed to estrogen ... I was not imagining the mood swings, the bitchiness, the PMSing of the last couple days.

I possibly noticed my skin appearing smoother, or a little less oily because I want to see it ... I did not imagine my primary doctor telling me that my face is looking smoother already.

I really love the feel of my makeup brushes on my face.  They were part of my father's day gift ... the best father's day I have ever celebrated.  There is something soothing, and yet exhilarating about their gentle touch.  I could (and have) just swiped the easily around my cheeks just to enjoy the sensation ... I never thought I was a girly girl, but I so love my makeup ... pampering myself.  I still need to work on my techniques, but I think I'm getting better.  Pam said she would give me some pointers because I look like I'm struggling with my mascara.

Duh!!  I am so a makeup rookie.

I am enjoying the learning process ... and I so appreciate Pam's help ... everyone's help.

I am beginning to understand that the perception of being female ... the manner in which I project my femininity is not a linear, one dimensional snapshot of myself.  It is more like a continuously changing sculpture ... beautiful fabric swaying in a gentle breeze ... a multifaceted crystal moving in the light.  I am not trying to be feminine.  I am allowing myself to be me.  When I try to force people to notice that I am a woman is when I draw attention to the fact that I am not always comfortable with myself ... I create a snapshot drawing attention to the flaw I am trying to hide.

These snapshots can quickly unravel the my fabric.

Last night Pam, Sedona and I spent a girls night out.  I wasn't trying to be female ... I was merely being relaxed and enjoying my time.  The makeup, clothes and purse are common now ... every day common ... I don't even think about it any more.  What was different was my voice and mannerisms ... I didn't think ... I didn't force ... I just was.

I do have to concentrate on my voice ... and my voice was not nearly very good last night, but even when it dipped back into dude range I was ma'amed ... the group of us were called ladies.

It was great ... and it felt (to me) like we were a group of women out having a good time.

We decided to go see the Star Trek movie after dinner.  None of us had seen it yet, but we had heard good things about it.

I won't do any spoilers in case you haven't seen it yet, but I will say that I figured out many of the plot aspects very early in the show.  I wanted to see how they work the plot ... how they would separate it from previous movies of years ago.

It was fabulous.

Yet, despite the fact that I knew pretty much what was going to happen ... despite the fact that I know it is a story, and there are always twists to stories ... when the emotional, gut wrenching of the movie arrived, I cried.

Not a sniffle, sniffle cry ... a tears running down my face and no way to control it cry.

I was afraid I ruined my makeup, but other than that it was such a satisfying feeling.

After the movie Sedona got separated from Pam and I as Pam took a phone call.  After the call Pam went to the restroom while I waited in the lobby.  I kind of had to go, but not very much ... and the theater restroom was very busy ... yes, I was a little intimidated.

When Pam came out we still did not know where Sedona was.  If we both left the theater to check the car we could not enter again, so Pam waited inside and I walked out.

A moment of realization.

I am no longer appear to be the semi-intimidating man that many would not want to mess with.  Whether or not anyone thought I was truly female was no longer a thought on my mind.  I was in a very public place, very exposed to whoever would perceive me as an easy target ... to steal my purse ... or whatever.

I felt vulnerable.

Sedona reunited with Pam inside the theater and we all met right outside the door.

The final spontaneous decision ... ice cream at the Ben and Jerry's store just down the street.

Such a wonderful night.