Friday, June 14, 2013

I think I'm addicted

Addicted to enjoying life ... addicted to being me ... addicted to happiness.

Today marks the end of week 2 of hrt.  I am so positive that things are already changing ... not blatantly or obviously ... in fact, not even too much physically.  I just feel incredible ... I cannot describe really describe how or why I feel different ... better, but I do.  It's not that I never felt emotions before now ... I hid them, but they were there.  Now they are becoming more intense ... all emotions, welling inside me.  I am enjoying certain fragrances more ... they are pleasing, calming and satisfying.  But it's more ... it's so much more.

I actually had a craving ... a chocolate craving.

I remember when Pam was pregnant she would say, "I'm craving ... ..." whatever the food was.  I always figured it was something that just sounded good, and she was hungry.  I didn't care, I would get her whatever she wanted ... she always deserves the best.  There was one time I guilted a Baskin Robins employee into keeping the store open so she could get a late sundae.  He go a very good tip.

But I digress.

A couple nights ago I wanted chocolate ... I mean I really wanted chocolate ... or to put it differently, I was truly craving chocolate.  This is yet another thing I cannot describe ... This was not something that simply sounded good.  It was not just that I was hungry.  It was like my body needed something, and I knew I could get it from chocolate.  It was a bizarre feeling, but kind of fun ... as soon as I had a little chocolate.

The next day Pam bought me some emergency chocolate to carry.

I know that the majority if the changes I so desire have yet to occur.  I am trying to be patient, but can hardly to see what will come next week ... next month ... next year.

On the advice of some friends I am starting to look into different glasses frames.  I may just buy another pair rather than simply replace the current ones.  It would give me a backup pair in case something happened.  I have found something I like, and will take the pic to my eye doctor to see if they have something similar.

I remember last year when I initially chose these frames.  I was led into the fitting area ... rows and rows of wonderful, colorful frames.  I was ready to move forward with my transition, but getting glasses that were too girly seemed like a huge step ... but some of the frames were so nice.

"These are the men's frames."  The office assistant sat me at a table and gestured toward a dozen or so frames.

Men's frames ...

I was a bit disappointed, but not ready to ask about the women's frames.  I really had very few to choose from that were wide enough for my head ... and that weren't far too dorky or overly masculine.

They're still too masculine.

I am starting to feel much more comfortable expressing my feminine side ... my true self.  I am hiding less and less at work, and in public.

Today I took advantage of not having my usual pants to wear to work ... I had to choose from either a pair of leggings that Pam has banned me from using (insert sarcastic eye rolling), or a pair of pants that are a tad bit too short ... but just the right length to wear my boots and let them show.

I did not act any different, but I made sure to be seen by a few people.  I even hunted one down to have a conversation about first aid training. I led the conversation to an open door and hoped she would step in.

"If someone tells you they cannot make the class, tell them they have to let me know."  I shifted my feet a bit.  "For some reason they seem to be afraid of me."

"They're not afraid of you," she said.  "They're just trying to figure you out."

"There's nothing to figure out," I replied.  I did a quick mental fist pump for successfully guiding the conversation into my territory.  "Everything about me is pretty straight forward."  I paused.

"I know," she said.  "I accept you because you're still the same.  You just look a little different."  She looked at my boots.  "And apparently are dressing differently, too."

The conversation wound down. after a bit.  I accomplished what I set out to do ... setting an idea in motion about me ... a rumor if you will.

No I can practically hear many people screaming, "Just come out to everyone!!"  And to you I would agree that it would be much easier for me to just tell people ... but I have the HR issue.  Because I chose to go through proper channels and inform my human resources department of my transition I feel obligated to wait for their assistance in the proper arena or method to come out.  This includes telling my drivers, my fellow training supervisors in other yards and the corporate baboons I deal with daily ...

... but if the drivers accidentally discover what is going on ...

Anyway.  After work I went to the pharmacy to pick up a few prescriptions.  I parked in a nearby parking lot and applied some makeup ... nothing major, but noticeable.  I strolled into the store feeling a bit scared ... but wonderful.  The nerves disappeared as soon as I started perusing the cosmetics.

And yes ... of course I bought a few things.

When I went to the pharmacy window the tech was on the phone.  "I'll be right with you, ma'am."

I smiled.

Another tech helped me after a short wait.

"I'm picking up for (my legal name) and Pam Chezum."  I set my purse on the counter.

She did a double take.  "I have 3 for her ... and 2 for him."  She used our names, but never addressed me with either name.

I can only guess and hope that my looks possibly made her think I was female, but I know my voice really ruins the illusion.

Or maybe it's the voice that's an illusion ... one of the last remaining hints of a life that was never real.

I did receive my voice training video and cd.  I've been trying to follow the lessons while driving to work and again going home.  I know it will take time, but I am hoping to hear at least some results relatively soon.

Midnight, the feral cat that hangs out in our yard, has taken her kittens to a different hiding place.  I miss the little guys ... especially Spunky and Shadow.  They are so cute.  Shadow showed up tonight, but the others are still gone.  i hope they come back soon.