Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Confirmation and confidence

So really ... how much can happen in just a few days?

Not a lot ... but enough.

On Sunday Pam and I went to PetSmart to get like tons of cat food for the 13 cats loitering on our property ... 7 indoor cats, one who is trying to become an indoor cat, the feral cat and her four babies ... ... I really am becoming the crazy cat lady.

But anyway ...

We collected the supplies and headed to checkout.  As I was unloading the cart the cashier began talking to me.

Shit ... I didn't want to speak, but I didn't want to ignore her.  I had to try to sound female.

She didn't react.  In fact she continued to chit chat as she scrambled around the counter to scan a couple items with her price gun so we wouldn't have to lift them.  "Do you need help to your car?"

"No thank you."  I placed the bag of treats back into the cart.

"Are you sure?" she insisted.  "We can send someone to help you ladies lift the heavy items into your car."

Pam explained that we had a person in the car.  That was the truth, but I was still going to do the lifting.  After we got outside Pam told me I sounded female.  I was talking soft, like I was shy, but definitely female sounding.

I was elated.  This was a huge confirmation that I am actually making progress.  However, I must get used to the perception that I am a woman and must need help ... this is something I didn't consider, or at least didn't realize I would be dealing with so soon.

On Monday I decided to show Tuti, the operations supervisor at my company, a picture of me wearing makeup.  She already knows I am transitioning, but I have never shown her any pictures of me outside work.  Her office is right outside the dispatch area where several drivers were congregating.

"If I show you this picture don't say anything," I said.

OK.  I won't."

I handed her my cell phone with the photo displayed.

"Oh my gosh," she blurted.  "You're a pretty girl!"  She smiled and carried on a bit.

So much for being quiet ... I blushed andgiggled.

In a recent conversation with Catharine I said I do not want to wind up being me in some places or situations and him in others.  This weekend it dawned on me that I'm already there.

This is not a bad thing.

I am female ... I am Tiffanie in more and more situations and more places on a daily basis.  Or maybe to be more specific, I am him less and less.  Even at work I am not completely him, and haven't been for a while.

Now I just need to get used to hearing my name ... responding to my name.

I never thought I'd be at this point in my transition ... I am both anxious and excited about this.  Although legally changing my name and gender on my records will be further I think I'm ready to be called by my real name ... I think.  

I still have much to learn ... my voice needs a lot of work, but I am ready to try.  I'm ready to live