Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Just rambling ...

So I in the doldrums ...

I've made the appointment with the endocrinologist, now I wait ... but I still have things to do ... ... and I have accomplished a couple of things.

I informed my HR department of my transition.  The area rep is so nice ... she kept the conversation discrete, which was a clue that she was in the office with someone.  The end result is her researching what the company is required to do or provide for me ... and I have taken the biggest step toward coming out at work.

*Small happy dance*

I stepped up my feminine look at work just a tad.  Slightly more feminine earrings ... and definitely more obvious color on my fingernails.  A very pretty purple with an opaque, pearl topcoat.  I love 'em.

Now people notice ... but only a couple actually talk to me as far as the changes go.

One lady did approach me after a driver meeting today.  "That color really isn't for you."

"I like it."  I smiled.

There was a brief conversation conversation.  I could tell by her body language that there was something she was holding back ... then finally.  "OK, I've got to know.  Are you just fucking with people's brains? ... Why suddenly the nail polish and the girly earrings."

Hello!!  It's not suddenly.  I've been building to this for over 2 years.  I would love to have said that out loud, but I was polite.  "I'm not messing with anyone."

"Ah, just exploring?" she quizzed.

"No, not exploring."  Part of me wanted to tell her the absolute truth, but I feel I need to wait for HR to ensure everything is done properly ... and the fact that she is a prime gossiper would not do me any favors in maintaining what little discreteness is left.  "I am just comfortable this way.  If anyone wants to ask me about anything they are more than welcome to ask, but I'm not changing.  I finally reached a point in my life where I don't really care what people think, but if they feel it is inappropriate for me to dress this way they can contact the right people and let them know.

So I chickened out a bit, but I did make a definitive statement.  And if anyone calls HR on me they will be surprised to know that I beat them to the punch ... and that they cannot tell me how to dress or act.

So it is another step toward coming out at work.  By now most should not be surprised when the announcement is official.

Our customer also saw me in person for the first time in nearly a year ... he stared a bit, but did not say a word.

And, yes ... that is another step.  I should be nothing but happy ... but  ...

My disgust level with my company is increasing ... ...

I won't bore you, nor do I have time to tell you all the stupid little things that have been piling up.  I will merely comment on the latest and shittiest.

The company recently ran a safety contest pitting bus yards of similar sizes against each other.  The yard with the fewest accidents and injuries would win a luncheon.

We tied for first in our division.  I've posted everything, kept the drivers updated, kept everyone excited, and even announced today at the meeting that we tied for first.

My area director of safety called today to congratulate me and my drivers ... and to tell me that corporate backed out and is not providing the luncheon for anyone.  What chicken shits ... and what a chicken shit way to handle this.

Seriously!!  Drag you corporate baboon ass to this yard and you tell the drivers that you are welshing out on the deal.  Why am I stuck telling them??  Bullshit!!

I get in trouble ... I get a failing grade on an audit because I "fail to meet expectations" but the morons who are grading me don't have to do anything they are supposed to.

What a fucking downer ... I want to cry.  A bit of estrogen in my veins and I probably would.

One of the other things that's been eating me is the followup to the inflamed lymph nodes ... I had my cat scan today ... and now I wait.  Whether something is wrong or not is not the issue.  It's waiting to hear.

The stress I feel about this test is exponentially compounded by waiting to hear from the doctor ... and the stress I feel about waiting for the doctor is exponentially compounded by waiting for the hormones.

Life goes on and I will survive.