Monday, April 8, 2013

A realization and some goals

Yesterday I Got to work at 5:00 in the morning, and for a few hours ... a few hectic hours I didn't think about what I was going to do later in the day.

Then the time came.

I called the endocrinologist.  After a brief computerized / choose the number moment, I chose the "make an appointment" option.

"Oh crap ... Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap!"  My brain started spinning.  I was so scared ... but I didn't hang up.  In the brief moment after pushing the button all the what ifs I've built up over 40+ years crammed into my brain.

What if they know me?

What if they don't believe me?

What if they ask why I'm calling?

What if they can't help me?

What if ...

"Thank you for calling, how can I help you?"  an unfamiliar voice chimed in.

"I ... I need to make an appointment."  I'm sure my voice was cracking.

"Are you a new or existing patient?"

"New."

"What's your name?"  Her voice seemed monotone and rehearsed.

"Ummm ..."  I choked a moment, then gave my legal name.

"And why do you need to see the doctor?"

A strange numbness flowed through my body.  In my brain I was forming clear sentences, but I am sure the receptioness heard, "glurrr, flrpty ... mlommm fupter schnedd."

"OK ... but what is the reason you are making this appointment?"

"I'm male to female transgender."

Then it hit me ... I do not believe I had ever said that aloud in my life.  And I am positive I have never said that to any person in my life.

Why?

I felt like ... I felt ... well, I felt a bit shocked.

The conversation continued, but suddenly there was a different tone to the receptionist's voice

I made the first appointment ... on May 31 ... Bummer, wish it was sooner.

"We will have to use your legal name on all your documents and prescriptions," she said.  "But if there is a name you would prefer us to refer to you we will note it in your chart if it will make it easier."

Wow ... They'll call me Tiffanie if I want.

On the short drive back to work I questioned why I have never said, "I am a male to female transgender" out loud ... or at least out loud to another person?  How have I managed to go through nearly a year of therapy without saying it?

I laughed out loud.

"I am male to female transgender," I said aloud.  "I am a male to female transgender woman ... I AM a male to female transgender WOMAN."  I giggled as I pulled into the parking lot.

Basically I have 7 weeks until my appointment.  So ... In the interim I am going to accomplish a few simple goals.

1 - 1 more laser treatment.  The few dark hairs which are mostly on my upper lip and chin are a real bummer.  I must get rid of them before my appointment.

2 - Doctors say weight loss of 1 to 2 pounds per week average is healthy.  Because of how heavy I am, I can safely lose 3 pounds per week ... 21 pounds before the appointment.

3 - I will start to exercise regularly.  Build a bit of a cardio base.

4 - I will think of one positive thing to come from this appointment every day.

If I spend my free time moving toward the goal ... helping the next steps to become easier then I will have a better chance to succeed.

7 weeks ... 52  days ... What can I accomplish??  We will see.