I will never cease to amaze myself with my ability to make mountains out of flat ground.
I spent the last week, and the last few days going absolutely mental because I was going to see my doctor over two issues ...
1 - I never followed up with the doctor about the inflamed lymph nodes which were discovered at the same time as the growth in my chest.
2 - DUH!! What have I been babbling about for 70+ posts?? Even if I decided to seek hormone therapy on my own my doctor would eventually figure out my secret.
Last night I was at my worst ... I was so wound up ... I wanted to back out of the appointment. It would be easy, I would just be too busy at work, or I could simply cancel the appointment. Only one problem ... I told my boss at work, I told all my friends on Facebook, and I told Pam that I needed to do this.
OK - That was three problems.
I know I slept last night, but it was restless and dream filled. The alarm went off way too soon.
Strangely, I felt very calm when I got up. I don't know why. The workday went well ... very lighthearted, almost fun.
Pam picked me up and we headed for the appointment. An awkward and tense silence began to build ... I was starting to feel nervous, but there was more ... I just couldn't put my finger on it.
My blood pressure was a bit high, but not as high as it normally is while I'm at the doctor. Anna, the nurse, asked why I was there today ... I gave a vague answer. As we sat in the room, Pam and I joked and laughed ... it was fun, Then the door opened and the doctor walked in.
The nerves go through the ceiling.
"So what brings you here?" He sat on his stool.
I stared ... probably like a deer in his headlights.
"We were just wondering about the inflamed lymph nodes that were found on the scan back in October," Pam chimed in.
"I've had a few pains, but it is not the constant pain that it was back then." I think I finally started breathing again at that point.
The doctor started searching his laptop ... and complaining about the wonders of modern technology.
"There's something we need to discuss," Pam blurted. She had a playful smirk on her face.
"Go ahead," the doctor said.
"You once told us you have a photographic memory."
He nodded. "Yep ..."
"Then you remember the conversation about three years ago when I grew a beard, the shaved my beard ... You told us that people change their physical appearance because they are unhappy with their situation. And since we cannot always control our situation we change things that are in our control." I paused.
"That was a theory." He continued to peck away at the keyboard. "I remember that."
"What I don't remember is if I commented." I was suddenly having trouble maintaining a coherent thought pattern. "I would have said that sometimes people change their appearance because there is something about themselves they do not like."
He spun on his stool and stared at me.
"My body and brain are in conflict." I couldn't look at him. "My body is obviously male ... I ... I'm not sure my brain is male."
"So what do you intend to do about it?" He seemed very caring and sincere.
I felt very at ease talking with him. He was very straight forward, asked many questions ... and told me he knew something was going on. He noticed that I was transitioning, and was going to ask me today.
Wow!! Even if I hadn't brought it up, he was going to ask me about my changes. Incredible!
The end result ...
1 - I will go in for a cat scan to check the lymph nodes.
2 - I am being referred to an endocrinologist to begin hrt.
After lunch we went to see my therapist ... basically an awesome visit. A lot of things were talked about, but basically just an affirmation that Pam is with me for the long haul ... regardless of what my decisions are she will support me and stay with me.
I learned a few "girl rules" ... the "borrowing the clothes" thing and a couple others.
It was a fun, upbeat conversation.
On the way home both Pam and I felt great ... we continued talking ... very open ... and she told me she was nervous about the appointment with my counselor. That is why she was tense all afternoon.
I know this is not easy for Pam, and today was a very difficult day for her. I am the lucjiest lady in the world. Everything seems a bit easier right now.