Yesterday I saw Catherine (my therapist) for a typical visit ... a bit of this, a bit of that, a few stories and leaving hoping that I can actually put her advice to use and move forward with my transition.
Yesterday the conversation started off slow ... I hadn't asked Pam (my wife) about attending one of my sessions ... I hadn't spoken to the doctor or made an appointment to discuss hormones ... ... But then I started talking about the day before ... about the conversation with my wife about making an appointment with our doctor. Eventually I talked about the other stories ... the kids on the bus, the cashier at the store.
I talked ... I really talked.
I felt at ease. I was dressed in a pretty sky blue and lacy tank top, matching earrings and sandals ... yes, my women's sandals ... ... but I didn't just wear this to my counselor's office. I wore the earrings to work and to the DMV, then I changed my top and my shoes (yes, a bit of a chicken shit because I should have done this prior to going to the DMV).
I had time before my appointment, so I went to a small and uncrowded liquor store ... which suddenly became a popular place, yet I felt at ease. Nobody stared at me, nobody made rude comments to me ... I was just another girl in the store. Even the cashier treated me like a lady ... and I did my best to talk a little ladylike.
This appointment was less like "I am a guy trying to become a woman" and was more like "I am a woman and getting comfortable with myself."
We touched on the subject of my weight. She asked if maybe I was using my weight as a way to hide myself ... "Ya think?" I replied. "I figured that one out a while ago. That's why I am trying to lose weight now ... to prove to my doctor that I am serious about this."
She told me I should ask Pam to join us in a session ... just to ensure Pam is alright and fully understands what is going on with me mentally and physically. I promised I would.
Today I was talking to Maggie, my boss. She and I are very close, and I confided in her last year that I was seriously pursuing my transition. Today was just about business ... I had no intention of getting personal, but felt compelled to tell her where things were going. Again, I felt so at ease and I so easily said, "It is very possible that I will be starting hormones very soon."
It's almost like the genie has been let out of the bottle. The next talk is with my doctor ... I'm nervous, but I know I can do it now. I'm at a point where I want to do this and get it over with, even if the hormones do not start immediately, I want to get the subject out in the open.
So just when I though this was all the good news that I would have to share, I asked Pam if she would go to a counseling session with me ... she said "Sure. Anything, as long as it makes you happy and as long as I don't lose you."
I'm no longer inching along. I'm not exactly running, but things are moving faster than I ever thought they would.