Friday, March 15, 2013

Breakthrough

I don't talk about myself very well ... this is part of what makes therapy difficult for me.

Yesterday I saw Catherine (my therapist) for a typical visit ... a bit of this, a bit of that, a few stories and leaving hoping that I can actually put her advice to use and move forward with my transition.
Yesterday the conversation started off slow ... I hadn't asked Pam (my wife) about attending one of my sessions ... I hadn't spoken to the doctor or made an appointment to discuss hormones ... ... But then I started talking about the day before ... about the conversation with my wife about making an appointment with our doctor.  Eventually I talked about the other stories ... the kids on the bus, the cashier at the store.

I talked ... I really talked.

I felt at ease.  I was dressed in a pretty sky blue and lacy tank top, matching earrings and sandals ... yes, my women's sandals ... ... but I didn't just wear this to my counselor's office.  I wore the earrings to work and to the DMV, then I changed my top and my shoes (yes, a bit of a chicken shit because I should have done this prior to going to the DMV).

I had time before my appointment, so I went to a small and uncrowded liquor store ... which suddenly became a popular place, yet I felt at ease.  Nobody stared at me, nobody made rude comments to me ... I was just another girl in the store.  Even the cashier treated me like a lady ... and I did my best to talk a little ladylike.

This appointment was less like "I am a guy trying to become a woman" and was more like "I am a woman and getting comfortable with myself."  

We touched on the subject of my weight.  She asked if maybe I was using my weight as a way to hide myself ... "Ya think?" I replied.  "I figured that one out a while ago.  That's why I am trying to lose weight now ... to prove to my doctor that I am serious about this."

She told me I should ask Pam to join us in a session ... just to ensure Pam is alright and fully understands what is going on with me mentally and physically.  I promised I would.

Today I was talking to Maggie, my boss.  She and I are very close, and I confided in her last year that I was seriously pursuing my transition.  Today was just about business ... I had no intention of getting personal, but felt compelled to tell her where things were going.  Again, I felt so at ease and I so easily said, "It is very possible that I will be starting hormones very soon."

Maggie was very supportive.  We both agreed that a call or meeting with HR will be in my future.

It's almost like the genie has been let out of the bottle.  The next talk is with my doctor ... I'm nervous, but I know I can do it now.  I'm at a point where I want to do this and get it over with, even if the hormones do not start immediately, I want to get the subject out in the open.
So just when I though this was all the good news that I would have to share, I asked Pam if she would go to a counseling session with me ... she said "Sure.  Anything, as long as it makes you happy and as long as I don't lose you." 

I'm no longer inching along.  I'm not exactly running, but things are moving faster than I ever thought they would.