Sunday, February 24, 2013

Thank you David Lapoff

Quoted from his obituary:

HONEOYE FALLS, NY - Unexpectedly on February 15, 2009 at age 48.

... ...
After 15 years as a brilliant Design Engineer, David turned his skills to the field of personal fitness and discovered his true calling; helping people reach their own health and fitness goals. He was selfless and dedicated to the health and well being of his clients and class members.

Many years ago ... too many years ago, I joined a site named to help me reach my ultimate goal of finishing an ironman triathlon.  I made a lot of friends ... Julie, Josh, Rob, Brian, Tiffany and more, but the one person who was a consistent motivator and always willing to help was David Lapoff.

While most on the site were nice, and many gave advice to help, there were some that did not associate with me or did not take me seriously because I was overweight and did not put in the same training hours the others did.

David took me seriously and gave me some wonderful individual training advice in spite of the fact that I was overweight and did not have the same time to put into training ... or maybe because of those facts.  He often went out of his way to find articles, or to relay his own research on heavy athletes training, how to reduce joint stress or maximize aerobic results without pounding out dozens of miles.  I have no doubt  if he were alive today he would be coaching me about the effects of hormones, what to expect physically as well as mentally and emotionally.  He would also be a steadfast assurance during the down times in my depression ... whatever I would need to reach my goals. faded in and out ... changed looks ... changed cliques and one day crashed.  I was bummed.  2008 was not going well, but getting back into training was a glimmer of hope.  Losing my connection to my friends and to David made training feel laborious ... and life itself became laborious as things just seemed to go from bad to worse.

In early 2009 started to come back to life.  Shortly after the boards came back online the news was posted that David passed away.  He had been having stomach pain, but put off going to the doctor for weeks ... it cost him.  By the time they found the cancer it had already pretty much killed him.

David, I never had the chance to meet you.  I was never given the opportunity to thank you for all you have done for me.  I wish I could tell you how much I've thought about you and your advice lately, and I want you to know that I will use what I remember to get myself back into shape.

*** *** ***

In a strange way David's death was the catalyst that made me want to pursue transition.  I realized that you never know how much time you really have ... and if I did not do something soon, I may never have the chance.

Unfortunately David;s death, as well as many other negative and stressful events, sent me into a downward spiral to a dark, foreboding and horrible place which I never knew existed.

I promised myself that I would try to find the positives this year ... not dwell on the negatives and let them bring me down.  The problem with this theory is it assumes that there are positives to focus on.  So far in 2013:

- My car needed repair
- My boss is overly stressed causing me stress
- My wife's mother is getting worse causing her more stress
- My company is adopting new methods causing stress on everyone, including me
- I had a company run inspection and did worse than I ever have
- I disappointed my boss due to the bad inspection
- I had a tire blowout at 55 mph
- My wife needed emergency dental surgery for 2 broken and abscessed teeth
- I rolled my right ankle causing a slight strain ... and causing my right knee to hurt
- My therapist called me and said I need a new authorization from my insurance, but I don't know why.  Now I'm nervous that they know I am transgender and will not cover my sessions.
- I made a doctors appointment to discuss the possibility if hormones and chickened out and didn't say a word about it.

The fact that the first 2 weeks of the year I was off work, and my first week back to work my wife drove me, this means that the majority of the items on the list have happened in a period of 3 to 4 weeks ... and I have not included the numerous little annoyances that I seem to need to deal with ... visiting family, financial issues, other more mundane work issues.

I feel as if I am being sucked back into that dark place again.  I cannot go back ... I will not survive.  I need to push forward, forcibly if necessary.

I had a full face laser treatment last week ... I am hoping seeing Tiffanie in the mirror rather than the dude with the mustache will lift my spirits some.  I am keeping my fingernails a little longer ... although I chipped my left thumbnail last week ...  I could have easily added that to my list ... talk about piss me off!!

Anyway - My transition inches forward.  I am getting up and moving, but I would not call it exercising.  I must not think of the dark and terrifying place, but I cannot ignore it either.  I will do what I need to to get back into shape as I complete my transition.

Sorry, there was not much of a point to this entry ... ...