Sunday, February 3, 2013

Paralyzed

The moonlight danced amongst the trees as I walked near the creek at the edge of town.  The fresh scent of pine filled my senses as the needles tickled my bare feet.  I ran my fingers through my hair as it swayed in the breeze. 

For a moment I felt at ease.

For a moment I was happy.

Clouds reached across the night sky strangling the moon cast shadows.  A foreboding sense of despair consumed my mind as darkness engulfed the landscape.  

Something was near ... a silhouette looming in the woods ... a footstep in the reeds near the water.

I felt fear, smothered by the unknown.

I tried to run, but my feet would not move ... they could not move.

My heart raced.

I tried to call out.  I could not.

I was paralyzed.

I did not know what loomed in the darkness ... but I knew it waited for me, and I could not escape.  I was alone, scared and helpless.

I knew this dream ... this nightmare.  I had lived it before, yet I could not wake up.  

This is much how I feel right now ... paralyzed.  But the monster that haunts me is me, and I cannot escape.

I returned to work, but for some reason it is much more difficult to handle the bullshit.  And on top of that I am due for a visit from the corporate baboons in the near future which is akin to waiting to be tasered in your rectum.  I needed to get out of the house and get back to my routine, but the mess that was left in my department will take me a while to clean up.

And actually ... going back to work brought up a different issue for me.  For nearly a month I didn't have to pretend to be the dude.  I was simply me ... not overly girly, but definitely female.  When I returned to work I feel like I need to hide behind him again.  The fact that my mustache is filling in again doesn't help my psyche much.  I desperately want another laser treatment, but even if I was completely facial hair free I still need to find a way to be more at ease with myself.

I have made a little progress because I am wearing more feminine earrings, but it is not enough.  It is not in the clothing, because I would likely dress very similarly as I do now even if I were completely female physically.  I won't likely wear makeup at work, so there will not be not be a lot of change to my facial appearance when I am truly me at the office ... the problem is in my head, nothing more ... but that is more than enough to make things difficult.

Maybe I need boobs.

My counselor says I need to work on my inner voice ... my self confidence ... my ego.  I need to accept myself and love myself.  She is right, of course, but that is a lot like telling me I need to lose weight and me just deciding to be thinner ... it takes time and effort.  The problem is I know how to lose weight ... I don't know how to truly accept myself.

I know I cannot go back to what I was ... to where I was, but I feel paralyzed as if I cannot move forward.

My depression seems to be worsening.  This may simply be some post surgical issue that may soon pass, but it is making everything else difficult to deal with.  

I do have an appointment with my doctor soon for a DMV required physical.  Hopefully I will have the courage to discuss some, if not all of these issues.  I doubt he would start me on hormones right away, but we could at least get the process started.