Sunday, February 24, 2013

Thank you David Lapoff

Quoted from his obituary:

HONEOYE FALLS, NY - Unexpectedly on February 15, 2009 at age 48.

... ...
After 15 years as a brilliant Design Engineer, David turned his skills to the field of personal fitness and discovered his true calling; helping people reach their own health and fitness goals. He was selfless and dedicated to the health and well being of his clients and class members.

Many years ago ... too many years ago, I joined a site named to help me reach my ultimate goal of finishing an ironman triathlon.  I made a lot of friends ... Julie, Josh, Rob, Brian, Tiffany and more, but the one person who was a consistent motivator and always willing to help was David Lapoff.

While most on the site were nice, and many gave advice to help, there were some that did not associate with me or did not take me seriously because I was overweight and did not put in the same training hours the others did.

David took me seriously and gave me some wonderful individual training advice in spite of the fact that I was overweight and did not have the same time to put into training ... or maybe because of those facts.  He often went out of his way to find articles, or to relay his own research on heavy athletes training, how to reduce joint stress or maximize aerobic results without pounding out dozens of miles.  I have no doubt  if he were alive today he would be coaching me about the effects of hormones, what to expect physically as well as mentally and emotionally.  He would also be a steadfast assurance during the down times in my depression ... whatever I would need to reach my goals. faded in and out ... changed looks ... changed cliques and one day crashed.  I was bummed.  2008 was not going well, but getting back into training was a glimmer of hope.  Losing my connection to my friends and to David made training feel laborious ... and life itself became laborious as things just seemed to go from bad to worse.

In early 2009 started to come back to life.  Shortly after the boards came back online the news was posted that David passed away.  He had been having stomach pain, but put off going to the doctor for weeks ... it cost him.  By the time they found the cancer it had already pretty much killed him.

David, I never had the chance to meet you.  I was never given the opportunity to thank you for all you have done for me.  I wish I could tell you how much I've thought about you and your advice lately, and I want you to know that I will use what I remember to get myself back into shape.

*** *** ***

In a strange way David's death was the catalyst that made me want to pursue transition.  I realized that you never know how much time you really have ... and if I did not do something soon, I may never have the chance.

Unfortunately David;s death, as well as many other negative and stressful events, sent me into a downward spiral to a dark, foreboding and horrible place which I never knew existed.

I promised myself that I would try to find the positives this year ... not dwell on the negatives and let them bring me down.  The problem with this theory is it assumes that there are positives to focus on.  So far in 2013:

- My car needed repair
- My boss is overly stressed causing me stress
- My wife's mother is getting worse causing her more stress
- My company is adopting new methods causing stress on everyone, including me
- I had a company run inspection and did worse than I ever have
- I disappointed my boss due to the bad inspection
- I had a tire blowout at 55 mph
- My wife needed emergency dental surgery for 2 broken and abscessed teeth
- I rolled my right ankle causing a slight strain ... and causing my right knee to hurt
- My therapist called me and said I need a new authorization from my insurance, but I don't know why.  Now I'm nervous that they know I am transgender and will not cover my sessions.
- I made a doctors appointment to discuss the possibility if hormones and chickened out and didn't say a word about it.

The fact that the first 2 weeks of the year I was off work, and my first week back to work my wife drove me, this means that the majority of the items on the list have happened in a period of 3 to 4 weeks ... and I have not included the numerous little annoyances that I seem to need to deal with ... visiting family, financial issues, other more mundane work issues.

I feel as if I am being sucked back into that dark place again.  I cannot go back ... I will not survive.  I need to push forward, forcibly if necessary.

I had a full face laser treatment last week ... I am hoping seeing Tiffanie in the mirror rather than the dude with the mustache will lift my spirits some.  I am keeping my fingernails a little longer ... although I chipped my left thumbnail last week ...  I could have easily added that to my list ... talk about piss me off!!

Anyway - My transition inches forward.  I am getting up and moving, but I would not call it exercising.  I must not think of the dark and terrifying place, but I cannot ignore it either.  I will do what I need to to get back into shape as I complete my transition.

Sorry, there was not much of a point to this entry ... ...


Sunday, February 3, 2013


The moonlight danced amongst the trees as I walked near the creek at the edge of town.  The fresh scent of pine filled my senses as the needles tickled my bare feet.  I ran my fingers through my hair as it swayed in the breeze. 

For a moment I felt at ease.

For a moment I was happy.

Clouds reached across the night sky strangling the moon cast shadows.  A foreboding sense of despair consumed my mind as darkness engulfed the landscape.  

Something was near ... a silhouette looming in the woods ... a footstep in the reeds near the water.

I felt fear, smothered by the unknown.

I tried to run, but my feet would not move ... they could not move.

My heart raced.

I tried to call out.  I could not.

I was paralyzed.

I did not know what loomed in the darkness ... but I knew it waited for me, and I could not escape.  I was alone, scared and helpless.

I knew this dream ... this nightmare.  I had lived it before, yet I could not wake up.  

This is much how I feel right now ... paralyzed.  But the monster that haunts me is me, and I cannot escape.

I returned to work, but for some reason it is much more difficult to handle the bullshit.  And on top of that I am due for a visit from the corporate baboons in the near future which is akin to waiting to be tasered in your rectum.  I needed to get out of the house and get back to my routine, but the mess that was left in my department will take me a while to clean up.

And actually ... going back to work brought up a different issue for me.  For nearly a month I didn't have to pretend to be the dude.  I was simply me ... not overly girly, but definitely female.  When I returned to work I feel like I need to hide behind him again.  The fact that my mustache is filling in again doesn't help my psyche much.  I desperately want another laser treatment, but even if I was completely facial hair free I still need to find a way to be more at ease with myself.

I have made a little progress because I am wearing more feminine earrings, but it is not enough.  It is not in the clothing, because I would likely dress very similarly as I do now even if I were completely female physically.  I won't likely wear makeup at work, so there will not be not be a lot of change to my facial appearance when I am truly me at the office ... the problem is in my head, nothing more ... but that is more than enough to make things difficult.

Maybe I need boobs.

My counselor says I need to work on my inner voice ... my self confidence ... my ego.  I need to accept myself and love myself.  She is right, of course, but that is a lot like telling me I need to lose weight and me just deciding to be thinner ... it takes time and effort.  The problem is I know how to lose weight ... I don't know how to truly accept myself.

I know I cannot go back to what I was ... to where I was, but I feel paralyzed as if I cannot move forward.

My depression seems to be worsening.  This may simply be some post surgical issue that may soon pass, but it is making everything else difficult to deal with.  

I do have an appointment with my doctor soon for a DMV required physical.  Hopefully I will have the courage to discuss some, if not all of these issues.  I doubt he would start me on hormones right away, but we could at least get the process started.