Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Not much to say for so much going on ...

So here's the warning first:

*** *** There are pictures of my tumor and my tubes and incision later in the post *** ***

I put them at the end in case yo do not want to see them.

Monday Dec 17 - pre-op prep time:  I am sitting on the bed, my wife is sitting on a chair.  The curtain draws back for a second and a face pops through only to disappear and the curtain closed again.  I didn't think much of it.  A minute later 2 nurses walked in to shave me.  The one who had opened the curtain seemed to be staying intentionally behind my peripheral vision and was not talking ... of course this made me want to pay more attention to her.  On close observation I noticed a couple things that might indicate she is a transwoman (a slight hint of a beard shadow, a bit of an adam's apple and larger than normal hands) ... and it does not matter, nor do I care.

At one point during the shaving she said about me, "Her armpits look pretty good."  Her voice was on the low end of female.

I didn't flinch, but I wondered if when she saw me she knew I am transgender ... or if she was worried that I would read her.  I will never know.

Dec 17 - 21:  I would love to recap the surgery, but unfortunately (or luckily) I do not remember much.  Coming out of anesthesia was rough ... I have vague recollections of my wives and sisters (2 to 3 of each) visiting as they faded in and out.  Then I slept.

The next few days were spent trying to gain strength.  I was determined to not show my distain for being stuck in the hospital.  It is not fair to the nurses and other helpers who are simply trying to kelp me.

To my surprise I actually enjoyed my stay.  I did not feel the need to act masculine ... I didn't try to act overly feminine either ... I was just me.  It was very relaxing and fun to not feel bound by some superficial expectation of what I was supposed to be.  I engaged in what would seem to be "girl talk" with a couple of the nurses and enjoyed it.  A few of the staff would use feminine pronouns and then correct themselves to match the name on my chart ... it felt good.  I did not enjoy the time away from my wife, but I know I needed the rest and medical attention ... and it gave me focus to want to get home faster.

Since returning home I have been chomping at the bit to move forward on my transition.  A big reason is the effects of the laser beard removal are more obvious.  There is almost no sign of my beard shadow ... unfortunately there are still a lot of non dark hairs, but for the time being I look a bit closer to feminine after I shave.

My primary doctor visited me in the CCU and commented on being "clean shaven" ... but I think it dawned on him that I was staying clean shaven every day.  He is smart enough to figure things out, so my first visit with him after all this may be interesting.  It would make things much easier if he brought up the subject of transition, but I'm not holding my breath.

I am seriously considering getting another ear piercing in each ear before I go back to work ... And I will more than likely buy a pair of ankle boots online ... ... We'll see.

Right now everything is about recovering, resting, healing ... ... getting healthy.

Actually, I am more able to breathe than before the surgery.  I could easily start a new exercise regiment as I get better.  I am actually excited about training again ... trying to achieve at least one of my goals ... trying for a marathon finish in 2014 (yes, more than a year from now, but I am very out of shape).  This time I am taking my time and implementing proper training tactics.  The only question will be if I cross the finish line wearing a sports bra or not.

I have my first checkup with the surgeon tomorrow.  Hopefully he will remove the two drainage tubes dangling from my back.  We'll see.

I am putting in some space lines and photos.

After the line of ***** will be the photo of the tumor and my incision.

I posted it on Facebook, so you may have already seen it.

I am just giving a fair warning in case you really do not want to look.  It really is not gross,



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