Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Rants and Rambles


So where to start ...

I don't recall if I mentioned this, but I had my second laser treatment below my jaw a week or so ago ... maybe more.  I love the smooth feeling and cannot wait until the rest of my face feels and looks smooth. This really has nothing to do with anything other than I am committing to move forward with my transition despite the fact that I remain terrified of the unknowns along the way.

I had another session with my counselor ... A billion or more things I could talk about - my tumor and surgery - my family invasion - my transition - my wife's nerves ... we wind up talking about politics, religion and other stuff.  That's what I needed, just a break from the reality of everything.  Toward the end of the session I switched gears and said, "Until a couple weeks ago I had planned to discuss the criteria of hormone therapy with you.  I know I won't be cleared for hormones for a while, but I will need a letter from a counselor ... ..."  I paused.

"And you want to know if I'll write the letter?" she asked.

I nodded.

"I believe you truly meet the criteria."  She said quite a bit which was absolutely thrilling to me.  "Yes.  Of course I'll write the letter of recommendation."

I was so happy when I left the building ... happy, excited, scared, curious, bewildered ... the list could go on for an hour.  The fact is simply that it is progress ... progress I could not have imagined six months ago.

The next day I had an echocardiogram ... I am so glad I do not have real boobs yet.  I did not know a probe could be pressed so far through the skin without leaving an actual hole ... Ouch!!  Now I just need to set the surgery date ... I want it over with, but I don't want to go through it ... I a bit scared of the entire process.

Damn ... that sounds familiar.  At least I'm consistent.

So why am I here on a Wednesday night with a festive holiday looming in the immediate future?  Well, here's the recap -

Monday - Two sisters I have not seen in a long time show up.  I would be very happy to see them, but they arrive before 7:00 in the morning while I am trying to hurry and get ready for work.  The kicker is, my sister from across the street brought them over because it was not convenient for them to be at her house.  The nice part is we had a very lively and funny conversation in the evening when I got home from work.  I do enjoy some of my family members.

Tuesday - My eldest sister arrives.  I understand she has been through some horrible stresses and emotional issues I hope I never have to experience, but we all have stresses we deal with and sometimes do not need to hear all the details of everything else that is wrong in the world.  Although there was many fun conversation throughout the evening she took ever opportunity she did drift into the troubles and complaints of her situation..

Today - I wake up feeling as if I hadn't slept at all.  my head hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurt, and I had to go to work.  After numbing my headache to tolerable proportions I made a sandwich to eat on the way and took off ... ... without my glasses.  I turn around and called my wife.  She ran them out to me and I was once again on my way.

After I get to work I am trying to focus on some reports that were due ... but there was a delivery truck idling outside and the constant drone of the engine about made my last nerve unglue.  I did slightly less than the necessary minimum work and headed out ... but not home.  My wife and I met at Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf where I overdosed on espresso prior to shopping at K-Mart.  We enjoyed a short afternoon together and now I'm home.

Home, but hiding in the bedroom because my sister is still expressing her unhappiness in very loud terms.  I truly empathize with her, and wish I could help, but my nerves are shot ... I need quiet.

If you have read this far, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving ... if you haven't read this far, then it doesn't really matter what I say does it?