I've been doing a great deal of pondering lately ... My transition ... The tumor and inevitable surgery ... Finances ... What are my actual goals? ... What is important to me? ... How quickly do I want to move? ... How committed am I to this transition? ... ... So please bear with my ramblings for a moment.
I have always felt like the difference between male and female is not a giant literal, figurative or physical chasm. It is much more of a spectrum ... many spectrums ... all intertwined, combined, separated, blurred and defined to create person's physical, emotional, spiritual and mental being.
It is much like setting a graphic equalizer to modify or accentuate your music so it appeals to your personal tastes ... only I'm modifying myself. The trick seems to be to find what needs adjusting rather than just drastically changing everything. Some times a minor alteration makes a huge difference ... sometimes it takes several attempts to find the proper level of adjustment desired. It is not about swinging drastically from one extreme to another ... small steps ... little changes ... finding my balance, my preferences ... making me happy with me.
I do not need massive changes in most areas. Even if I desire a huge change it is not always easy or quick. The changes I desire most take time ... time, emotional and physical energy, money and patience.
Of course this analogy is flawed ... Some things cannot be changed. I have very large and fat feet. Finding shoes that fit properly is difficult ... finding women's shoes that fit properly is nearly impossible. There are other physical attributes which are not conducive to looking female. My sisters, the other women in my family have some of the same physical characteristics ... but they have not had the years of testosterone exposure ,,, the poisoning I have endured. Some of these issues can be camouflaged, others will sill simply be there.
So what is my immediate goal?
I want to survive ... I want to live. I'm not trying to play victim and make feel people feel sorry for me, but the tumor issue I am currently dealing with made me realize how quickly things can change. Yes, it is benign and the odds of surgical complications are low, but I just want to live through this.
During my recovery I will take some steps to appear more feminine. I will have the remainder of my beard and mustache laser treated. I am considering another ear piercing on for each ear and will choose more feminine colors to return to work. I will need to talk to my HR department to see how to approach my transition as far as the company goes.
After my recovery I will discuss hormones with my doctor. I am relatively certain it will not even be a point of discussion until I have been cleared after my surgery ... and probably not considered until I lose a bit of weight and get my blood pressure under control.
Yes ... I know ... Those of you who have read previous posts have read these thoughts before. I cannot remember what I have said in the past, or when I've said it, but I do know this is a redundant message ... and a message I need to listen to if I ever want to find my happiness ... myself.
So my journey continues ... my transition reaches a new level of commitment. I am realizing that much of what I desire is gradual adjustments ... small tweaks ... casual changes in appearance, mannerisms and habits.
The biggest changes I desire are not the equivalent of a daredevil jumping a great span in spectacular fashion ... it is more like the casual runner trying to finish a marathon ... slow, painful, one step at a time, knowing the finish line exists but not seeing the progress sometimes for miles. Strangely it is these changes that cause the biggest fear, yet the ones I wish could be underway the soonest.
There are some things I do not want to change ... my sense of humor, my spirituality, my willingness to accept people. There are things I will not be able to change, although I may want to.
I still have much to learn, and a long way to go to reach my goal ... to become myself.
As usual, I have added some photos that are not necessarily directly connected to the subject of the blog. I appreciate all who read my thoughts ... my ramblings. Thank you.