Saturday, October 13, 2012

The real me

 So at some point I must stop hiding.  I have to step out from behind the curtain and say, "This is me."

This is a very difficult post for me because I have hidden behind a computer generated, virtual makeover for the past several months.  By showing these photos I feel as if I am exposing myself to the world ... exposing my tender underbelly to the claws and the teeth of all those who would wish to emotionally disembowel me.

The story behind the pictures is pretty boring.  I took a day off work ... I was in the house alone for several hours and decided to experiment with my wife's makeup.  The makeup list is as follows:

Foundation - a bit heavy in an attempt to cover the beard
Mascara - Not a lot, but still managed to get my lashes clumped together
Eye liner - Horribly uneven, but I did not poke my eye out
Eye shadow - Neutral colors and not a lot
Blush - Probably not applied well, but I tried
Lip gloss - Ummm ... on the lips - DUH

I was attempting to use as little makeup as possible.  I did not want the drag queen look (not that there is anything wrong with drag queens).  I just wanted to keep it simple ... Like I might actually do if and when I go out as Tiffanie.

 I feel I am in an awkward position.  I do not want to allow my hopes to be built up to the point where I will be devastated and disappointed if things do not go the way I want.  But I also do not want to be so skeptical and critical that I do not even try for fear of failure.

I have messed around with makeup before, but never in an attempt to see if I could look female.  I always just put it on then went about my business at home.  Yesterday was more of a test ... not testing whether I can put on makeup properly ... I can't.  A test of whether I could look female enough with minimal makeup to go out and be me in public.
You see the pics ... I do not look very feminine.

Now, I am happy because I do not look like a guy at first glance, but when you look close it is obvious that I am not a woman.

The four shots I chose were basically random to get my face at different angles.  I am so tempted to photoshop these and make them look better, but that would defeat the purpose.  I am out here for the world to see ... to laugh at me if they like, to mock, to encourage, to pity, to help.  Whatever they are motivated to do, I am here ... and I am not planning on backing down, turning around ... only moving forward.

So I stayed at home yesterday wearing my makeup, my bra and the bra filling (not false breasts, but weighted a bit to hang more like real boobs).  I felt so good ... but at the same time was uptight because I knew at some point the charade would end ... or begin again as I would stop being me.

Mostly I went through my photo archive to find pics for the new page I started on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/photosbytiffanie?ref=hl).  I am merely an amateur photographer who loves to take pictures with my middle of the road camera.  Many of my pics received very nice compliments and so I thought I'd start the page in hopes that others would share photos as well.

I find joy in the simple things.  Seeing things differently.  Creating illusions with nothing more than lights and a lens.

So during the day I didn't think about how I was dressed, the makeup or the fake boobs.  It felt so natural, so right ... I was just me.

As typical for a day at home I had to check to see if the 2 cats we allow to run outside were ready to come in.  I went to the door and called their name ... no response.  I walked outside toward the middle of the yard ... realization hits.  I am outside dressed like this with makeup on.  It was a bit of a panic moment, but I don't think anyone saw me, except maybe the fieldworker behind the house ... I guess I shouldn't care if the neighbors saw me, but I kind-a do.

So life marches on.  My transition moves forward.  I plan to contact the laser clinic Monday to see if my next session can be full beard and mustache and not just under the jaw.  I think if I be rid of the shadow ... the stubble, that I may feel better about myself.  And if I do it now it will be very noticeable by my family at Thanksgiving.  We will see.