Tuesday, October 2, 2012

So where to now?

My wife an I are on the way home Sunday from her mom's birthday, dinner and general escaping from the house.  We covered a range of subjects in the 30 minute drive, which is usual, but the last part of the conversation was special ...

Me - "So why haven't you friend requested me on my new Facebook account" (talking about Tiffanie's account)
Her - "I didn't think you wanted me to involved in that part of your life."

I'm driving (which is not the normal situation) and I whip my head to the right so fast I can feel the car start to drift toward the shoulder of the road.

Me - "Why would you think that?"
Her - "I don't know.  You hadn't asked."
Me - "I want you to be a part of all my life, not just parts of it.  I figured since you hadn't asked that you weren't comfortable with that part of me."

The conversation went on for a bit, but that is the gist of it.  The end result ... my beautiful wife has joined me on Facebook.  I am very happy :-)

In many ways I feel like I've been keeping secrets from her ... not by intentionally not telling her things, but because I can talk so openly about so many things online that I forget that she may not have read the post or the blog entry and is therefore not aware of what I  may be thinking.  I really do not talk about myself very well (which makes talking to a counselor an interesting ordeal) but with this online anonymity I can just be me ... ask my questions, share my fears and concerns ... be me.

On the other hand I feel more vulnerable.  Because I have been so candid ... I have exposed my true self and expressed myself with emotions she is not used to seeing from me I'm afraid she may be taken aback and feel a level of discomfort or uncertainty.  If my wanting her beside me worsens her anxiety or depression ... if it causes her to question the depth of my love for her or causes her issues, adds to her stress in any way I will never forgive myself.

All I want is to be me ... and I cannot be me without her.  We will see what the future holds, but right now as I type, things are looking like they may be alright.