Monday, October 8, 2012

666 O.O

Egad ... I just signed onto my blog and saw the view count was 666.  I know I look like a beast ... I didn't know I was THE BEAST O.O

I am trying not to hold myself to some "I must blog this often schedule" because the truth of the matter is there isn't always something to say.  Lately I've been griping and complaining a lot over things that are not horribly important, and I'm sure not horribly interesting.  Because I do want to stay in touch at least once in a while I decided to post a longer flashback story and how it will come into play later as I tell my family the truth about me.  Then I will post a couple pics ... after the pics I will give a short list or recap of recent aggravating events.

Date: Late summer 1980 - the summer between my freshman and sophomore years in high school.

My sister and I were on our way home form church.  Really there wasn't anything unusual about the day, the sermon or anything.

I spent my time at church feeling disconnected from the kids that went to the church school.  They formed a very tight clique and it was clear I was not welcomed into it.  It also didn't help that I would ask questions regarding particular beliefs ,,, not stating the belief was wrong, but wondering what the foundation of the belief was.  My questions never got answered, usually were dismissed because I didn't understand and sometimes caused people to lash out at me.

So now we are heading home.  I don't recall the exact conversation or the sequence of events that occurred, but somewhere along the way there was a concern about the car.  We pulled of the main street so I could jump out and check whatever it was.  As we pulled onto this side street I saw something on the road. "Look ... money," I blurted as I jumped out of the car.  To my surprise it was actually a $10 or $20 bill.  Not much, but more than I had ... and probably more importantly there was nothing wrong with the car.

The rest of the way home my sister made it clear that God had a plan for me ... for that money.  I was not to spend it frivolously because he needed me to do something with it.

Shortly after I got home a friend called and asked if I wanted to go roller skating.  This was unusual because he never called me on the phone and he rarely, if ever invited me any place anyway.  As the only money I had was the money I just found I declined the offer and went to my room to try and figure out what God wanted for me.

Over the next several weeks, and into the school year a strange pattern emerged.  I would try to figure out what to do with the money and sometime shortly after I pondered the question my friend would ask me if I wanted to go skating ... always skating ... always wanting to go during the same time frame.  After going through this so many times I had an epiphany ... maybe God wants me to have fun.

I ran the thought past my sister.  She said, "Sometimes answers don't come right away.  You need to make sure you are doing what God really wants."  Her not so subtle way of saying I was wrong.

So my friend and I go skating ... we had fun ... I met a girl and we skated together, held hands ... even kissed.  This simply complicated things a great deal for me.  I knew I was a girl (or was supposed to be a girl), I had no interest in boys, but this girl was exciting to me ... How could I possibly have feelings toward a girl if I was going to be a girl myself?

The bigger irony ... I met her again almost exactly 6 years later.  I wound up marrying her.

I can see a similar set of circumstances playing out when I announce that I am indeed transgendered.  My sister will first try religious guilt.  "When you get to heaven and God gives you your perfect body are you going to want that changed, too?" or "It's Satan lying to you.  God's path for you would not include you going against his will."

My answers in order.  "Why do you think that our perfect body will be any gender?  The Bible does not say we will be made into perfect males or females, it just says we will be made perfect." ... and ... "It is a little egotistical of you to assume you know what God is saying to me.  How do you know that this hasn't been my life test?  How do you know God wants to see how far I will follow him, and that some good will come from my transition?"

She will follow up the religious guilt with medical fear (she is an RN).  She will talk about all the bad things hormones will do to my body.  How they damage the liver, cause dvt (blood clots) and other life threatening issues.  She will tell me of the dozen or so transgender people she knows who wish they hadn't gone through with it and list all the issues they have.  She will make up whatever truth she needs to try and sway my decision.

So it occurs to me that at some point my family may be reading this.  It is likely they will find some of the statements I've made ... especially the statements regarding my childhood a little harsh.  I have no intentions on hurting anyone's feelings, and I realize that I am stating my side of the story ... theirs may be completely different, but I am speaking the truth.  Maybe if they realize that their actions or comments, although intended to be helpful, have caused stress to me and to others they may reevaluate how they approach certain situations.

The annoyance outline:

- Thanksgiving dinner / week is still not completely resolved
- My niece wants to move back in with us, but is not seaking help for her issues
- My laser appointment got canceled due the laser needing servicing
- My work is expecting me to keep track of certain data on a program that is not working yet
- The fence at my mother in law's looks like someone tried to tear it down
- My eldest sister's husband had a stroke
- We had company this weekend ... again
- I had to work this weekend
- The visitors woke me up twice Friday night and once Sunday night
- One of the visitors parked his car so mine was blocked in and I was almost late to work Saturday
- There was no apology for the noise nor the blocking in issues.

I could list more, but I didn't want to go back more than one week.