Monday, September 17, 2012

And it never stops

So where do I start??

I will warn you upfront that this is more of a rant and not actually a warm and fuzzy inspirational or even informational segment.

I know I've mentioned some of the following before, but I'm going to recap some of the issues over the past few months:

April - Worsening of depression symptoms, return of insomnia, mother-in-law in convalescent hospital, wife super stressed, state inspection at work, the realization that I must address my transgender issue or I will go insane, get screwed out of well deserved bonus by company, family visitors 3 of 4 weekends.

May - Start blog, start searching for therapist, mother-in-law needs to be moved to board and care facility, brother in law making life and choices difficult for my wife, terminate 2 long time employees & friends for doing stupid things, unload the first little bit of reality on my poor wife, company unloads new load of expectations, My great aunt dies, family visitors 2 of 4 weekends.

June - Start counseling, still dealing with mother in law & brother in law, brother commits suicide, even more company expectations flush through the pipes, niece moves in, wife's depression and anxiety worsening, family visitors 5 of 5 weekends.

July - Easy month.  My wife's uncle dies, big family gathering at house, brother in law rekindles issue of mother in law's finances, family visitors 4 of 4 weekends.

August - Very hectic work month, wife's great aunt dies, niece gets job and starts school, weather becomes very hot, family visitors 3 of 4 weekends.

September - So far ... 20% of workforce on LOA, increased workload due to driver shortage, discover niece is suffering from depression and anxiety, niece refuses to contact counselor, discover niece cuts herself to relieve stress and she caused a bad cut to herself, sister comes down angry at wife and doctor, my counselor has been ill and unavailable when I really need to talk, family visitors 4 of 4 weekends so far, but at least nobody has died yet.

I know that deciding to deal with my gender dysphoria is not the cause of all these events, but all these stupid things (and this is the very short list ... I have nit mentioned my online friends' issues or the fact that my manager is taking time off to watch her partner of many years die of liver failure) ... all these things make it so difficult to focus on myself ... my transition, or lack thereof.

My brain is so overloaded with crap I cannot function, and my poor wife is stuck dealing with everything from her asshole brother and incompetent mother to my niece's issues and my deciding now to deal with my issues.  All this is tearing her apart, and therefore ripping a hole in my soul.

Our finances are so bad that I'm not sure I can even afford my next counseling session, let alone a laser session and definitely not hormones.  I cannot even afford to see the doctor for my hurting knees and elbow ... but just as well, because he will do a blood test and want to discuss my low testosterone level.  If that happens I will have to explain that I don't want to raise that hormone level ... I don't want to have that discussion with him yet ... or ever ... whatever.

Am I somehow being selfish if I say that I wish everyone would just leave us the fuck alone?

Am I being selfish to want my wife's attention?

Is it too much to ask that visiting parties leave the fucking house by a reasonable hour? ... or if they have to stay that they do not have the television blaring so loud that I can hear it over the music in my headphones?

Am I selfish because I want more than 3 hours of sleep on a Sunday night?


I want so bad to move on, to slowly transition.  I try so hard to be positive, to look for the beauty in the simple things, to find humor in the chaos ... but it is tough ... I feel like my spirit is breaking.

Maybe it would just be easier to stop this charade ... to stop pretending that I can ever be a woman and just go back into hiding ... live to be a miserable old man.

I am sorry if you read this far.  I am sure I'm just blowing things out of proportion, but like I said this is a short list.  I'm sorry for ruining your day.