Monday, August 27, 2012

Some days

There are some days, like today, where I am just inexplicably down and nothing seems right.

I try so hard not to dwell on the negative.  I try equally hard to not let the things I cannot control have any control over me ... but I am human.

Today is just one of those days where I am having issues coping.  First I called off from work even though I really didn't need to ... I just didn't want to deal with the crap.  In a way this was a mistake because it left me home with my thoughts and imagination on a day where I needed distraction.

I just want a way out ... an easy way out.  A quick fix resolve to the issues that have been with me my entire life.

Why can't my brain just choose to match my body?

I don't want to deal with this, but I cannot ignore it.  I feel selfish for expecting my wife to stay with me while I upend everything about my body ... but not my mind nor my soul ... they remain unchanged yet tormented.

It is days like today that I am angry that I waited so long to begin this journey.  I could be living full time or perhaps even be post-op if I had started years ago.  Yet I am leery of the path I've chosen.  Do I really need to do this?  Are these changes going to bring the spiritual peace and mental relief that I've waited my entire life for?  Will filling the void of self only cause other more painful voids in my life?

I do not know the answers, nor does anyone else.  I must discover these for myself.

My wife went to see her therapist today.  It is her first appointment since we talked about how feminine I want to become.

I was nervous ... I knew she was going to talk about me, but she needs to.

She would do her usual procedure of seeing the therapist, visiting her mother (in a board and care home) and then come home.  If things went well she'd feel better and possibly have a better understanding of my issues and her therapist could help her cope.  But if things did not go well ... ... ...

The phone rang.  She sounded uptight ... she wanted to go talk.

My mind went nuts.  This could not possibly be a good thing.

We decided to go to dinner.  On the way she started talking.  I am expecting her to tell me that her therapist asked if I was transgender and that she wouldn't be able to deal with it ...

She didn't.

She was mostly upset that her mother has shown some decline with her dementia.

I was relieved.

We wound up having a nice dinner.  She wound up feeling better ... I was relieved, but I still feel out of sorts ... and I still feel frustrated that I have somehow through cosmic coincidence been chosen to endure this transgender issue.

Tomorrow will be better.

I added a few pics.  I hope you enjoy them.