Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Really ... What have I accomplished?

Let me see ... In one day I managed to do the following -

One of the new applicants is a lady who used to drive for us a few years ago.  I noticed she was carrying this wonderful leopard purse.  As we went into my office / classroom I said, "I love your purse.  It matches my cell phone cover."  We then spent the next 5 minutes talking about the leopard items we owned ... I stopped short of telling her about my new shoes.

During a post accident retraining session with a driver she brought up "Having trouble being true to herself." ... Long story short, I just about outed myself in some strange, rambling catharsis moment.  I definitely told her more than I've said to most people.  Luckily I'm a master of double-talk and may have thrown her off without denying or retracting anything I said.

On the one hand I wouldn't care if she figured it out or told people what I said ... On the other hand I'm not ready for the world to know Tiffanie.

People aren't stupid ... okay - a lot of people are stupid, but not everyone is stupid an unobservant.  Over the past few years my physical appearance has changed dramatically ... my behavior and mannerisms have begun to change as well.  The line between Tiffanie and the dude has definitely been blurred.

My biggest hurdle ... my strongest roadblock is myself.  The endless circle that I dwell on.  I don't feel feminine because I don't look feminine so therefore I don't have the courage to dress en femme, let alone going into public dressed up ... but if I dressed up and used the right makeup maybe I could see myself a bit more as a woman.

If I can't convey how feminine my brain, my thoughts, my spirit is I may never get the hormones I so desperately crave.

All I can do is keep moving forward and hope things work out.

I have been having more anxiety issues lately.  I'm not sure exactly why, but that is the nature of anxiety ... there isn't always a trigger ... or you don't always know what the trigger is.  I'm hoping these episodes decrease as the stress of another school year start up passes.

Having dealt with these anxiety attacks before doesn't make it any easier ... it just reminds of how horrible they are.  I do seem to cope with the episodes a little better ... they don't throw my day into a turmoil, but that is a far cry from being used to them.