Friday, August 3, 2012

Is this all I am?

Back in the 90s and a few other times I dressed as a woman for Halloween.  To me it was a feeler to see how people would react if they saw me as a woman ... but it also ensures everyone will not take me seriously.  Actually, each time I've dressed up there were many who thought I was a girl (of course I was thrilled, but could not show it).

So today I get my new leopard print shoes ... they are fabulous :-)


I left them by my computer table (typical, but lazy habit ... leave my shoes where I am sitting when I take them off).  As my wife was getting ready to take my niece to the bookstore my wife said, "See his new shoes?"

My niece smiled and made a comment ... a nice comment.

My wife then said, "He wants to dress like a woman ... for Halloween."

Really?  Is she just trying to protect me?  Is she trying to find a way to cope with me?  Or is this all I am ... a Halloween costume?

They left ... I burst into tears.

Now I listening to somber, depressing music ... just like when my depression symptoms were at their worst.

I feel like I have run into a roadblock ... I cannot feel female unless I look female ... I cannot look female unless my dark beard is gone and until maybe I start developing some female features ... I won't start developing unless I get on hormones ... I cannot get on hormones unless I can get the courage to talk to my doctor about me.

About 4 years ago I grew a full beard ... It was actually laziness because I couldn't tolerate shaving, but it also helped me hide from myself.  Several months later I got my first ear piercings ... several weeks after that I shaved my beard and mustache.  My doctor told my wife (in front of me), "People change their image because they cannot change the environment they are in ..."

Although there is some psychological truth to this, it is also true that people change their looks because they are trying to change themselves.

I don't want to go see him.  He is a great doctor, a very nice man, but I don't want to have this discussion with him.

So I am stuck.

Stuck in the land of make believe and wishes.

I am building this house ... I am buying all the paint, the curtains and decorations, but I have not done anything for the foundation or frame.

Maybe I am just a costume ... The velveteen bunny that think she's real ,,, but there is no magic to make me real ... even though I have cried my real tears.