For the first time in my life I said my name ... my real name ... Tiffanie out loud to another person.
My counselor and I were talking ... I mentioned something about work and HR and changing my name.
A lot of my sessions are more like strategy sessions ... I don't really open up to well or too often, so sometimes it sounds more like I'm going through a shopping list rather than delving into my feelings. I also do not avoid question or subjects which are brought up ... I just have a harder time discussing them and rarely do I initiate the subject.
So the question came up. "Have you thought about what your name will be?"
I paused a bit. "Yep."
"It must be exciting getting to choose your own name." She smiled.
I looked away feeling unusually anxious. Staring at the floor I finally muttered, "I was thinking of Tiffanie."
"I love it." She beamed with excitement. "Why was that so hard to say?"
"I've never said that name out lout to anybody." I choked back tears for a moment.
"It fits you," she said.
My wife and I took our son to dinner for his birthday last night. It was a nice quiet meal with the usual frivolities. My son has such a similar sense of humor compared to mine. Often times we go off on these strange tangents and get ourselves laughing ... it's always fun.
I sometimes worry that when he finds out that I am transgendered ... that I am actually pursuing being female that he may not interact the same with me any more ... or he won't want to be around me at all. I hope I raised him better than that. I hadn't really worried about that for a while ... until today. Losing my son's love would be devastating.
Losing my wife's love would be unbearable.
I have made up my mind that I will just tell my wife everything ... everything, everything. I will show her my blog and let her read the issues ... sometimes I write things much better than I speak things ... especially emotional things. So sometime between today and the end of 2015 I will get her alone and talk.
OK ... that time-span may be a wee bit too broad.