Thursday, August 9, 2012

For the first time ...

For the first time in my life I said my name ... my real name ... Tiffanie out loud to another person.

My counselor and I were talking ... I mentioned something about work and HR and changing my name.

A lot of my sessions are more like strategy sessions ... I don't really open up to well or too often, so sometimes it sounds more like I'm going through a shopping list rather than delving into my feelings.  I also do not avoid question or subjects which are brought up ... I just have a harder time discussing them and rarely do I initiate the subject.

So the question came up.  "Have you thought about what your name will be?"

I paused a bit.  "Yep."

"It must be exciting getting to choose your own name."  She smiled.

I looked away feeling unusually anxious.  Staring at the floor I finally muttered, "I was thinking of Tiffanie."

"I love it."  She beamed with excitement.  "Why was that so hard to say?"

"I've never said that name out lout to anybody."  I choked back tears for a moment.

"It fits you," she said.

My wife and I took our son to dinner for his birthday last night.  It was a nice quiet meal with the usual frivolities.  My son has such a similar sense of humor compared to mine.  Often times we go off on these strange tangents and get ourselves laughing ... it's always fun.

I sometimes worry that when he finds out that I am transgendered ... that I am actually pursuing being female that he may not interact the same with me any more ... or he won't want to be around me at all.  I hope I raised him better than that.  I hadn't really worried about that for a while ... until today.  Losing my son's love would be devastating.

Losing my wife's love would be unbearable.

I have made up my mind that I will just tell my wife everything ... everything, everything.  I will show her my blog and let her read the issues ... sometimes I write things much better than I speak things ... especially emotional things.  So sometime between today and the end of 2015 I will get her alone and talk.

OK ... that time-span may be a wee bit too broad.