Thursday, August 16, 2012

A plethora of thoughts

I like that word ... plethora.  I think people should use it far more often than they do ...

Anyway ... Just as a fore-note, this entry has been written across several days ... 

I continue to have these up and down, back and forth mood swings.  I am angry that I am even having to deal with this ... with myself ... with changing.  I don't want to take the steps to move forward, but cannot tolerate being where I am at.  I do not want to risk rejection of those closest to me, but do not care whether they accept or condone my true self or not.

Why do these conflicts persist?

I feel like I am bursting at the seems.  I want to get everything out in the open with my wife ... We have been talking in these veiled, cryptic conversations, and although I am pretty sure she knows what is going on I just want the air to be clear between us.  Unfortunately the past two weeks have been filled with the daily calamity ... Her uncle dies, her mother is getting worse, my niece is having issues, her niece is having issues, her brother is a complete asshole, her great aunt dies ... I could list all the events, but these were the bigger ones and the most stress causing ... It is mostly the timing of the issues.  I feel like I don't have time to talk to my wife ... And the few times I've tried the phone rings and anither issue is arising.

I cannot add to her overloaded stress load right now.

But then again, not talking is causing me to become more uptight and anxious which adds to her stress.

I feel like I cannot win.

Soooooo ... ... ... I decided Tuesday was the day.  My wife and I would spend some long overdue time together and I would spill the beans ... everything everything.

Ummm ... No.  The home where my mother-in-law is staying invited my wife and family members of other residents to dinner.  And then it wasn't really a dinner.  It was a sales presentation for some horribly expensive cookware ... ... and she did not get home until pretty late ... so no talk.

I was upset.

I was upset at myself.  If I would have told her everything weeks ago I would not be here now.

So then it would be Wednesday.  My company was having the school year start up meeting and after that I was having my first laser treatment ... after that we would have plenty of time to talk.

I wasn't paying attention to the clothes I chose when I woke up.  A polo short for work, a nice v-neck top for the laser appointment, but instead of my usual style of pants I wound up wearing leggings.  I didn't care.  I was late and didn't feel like changing.

And the meeting went well.

So off I went to the laser clinic.  I just love the people there.  They made me feel so welcome and comfortable.  The laser tech and I were chit-chatting away, talking about family, cats, work.  It was fun and relaxing.

She was probably 80% done when she asked, "Are you transitioning?"

My eyes popped open, and I think I almost put my head through her magnifying lamp.  Did I just hear that? ... ... No ... Couldn't be.  "I'm sorry?" I asked.

She seemed a little flustered.  "You know.  Sometimes men want to ... or feel like their body ... ummm ... They don't want to be ..."

So in the millisecond that passed from the time she started her sentence to the time it dawned on me that she really asked if I was transitioning I went numb.  I proceeded to have this huge debate in my mind, "Tell her, don't tell her ... tell her, don't tell her ... tastes great, less filling ... just be honest, nobody can know the secret."

I looked into here goggle covered eyes.  "Yes."  I nodded.  "I am."  I choked back a few tears.

"Oh my gosh.  that's great."  She smiled from ear to ear.  "I have other transgender clients who are having beard removals.  Some have been on hormones a while.  I know this great endocrinologist in Ventura.  Are you on hormones yet?"

"No."  I couldn't help but smile.  I felt so relieved ... so happy.

I left the office feeling like everything was setting perfectly for my conversation with my wife.  I giggled all the way home.

The euphoria was short lived.

My wife's phone rang before we could talk, and from that point on it was downhill.  I could not salvage the happiness from the day ... I was dragged into the drama and stupidity that has been the story of our home life for the past several months.

Again I was upset at myself ... and the family that bombards my wife with their unreasonable expectations.

Today I woke up in a bad mood.  I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I did not know how or when I would ever be able to talk to her.  We went to lunch with our son.  After we dropped him off we headed toward town for my therapist appointment.  I tried to generate a conversation ... my wife began to complain about her family and the recent issues.  Then her phone rang ... her mother, and undoubtedly another issue.

I kind of snapped.  "This is why I feel like I can't talk with you."  I let out an exasperated sigh.  "You already have all this crap you're dealing with and we can't go ten minutes without your phone ringing with another one.  I'm already causing you enough issues with the way I'm dressing."

She stared st me.  "You're just you.  I love you, and your clothes don't bother me."

"But I haven't gone out in makeup or anything."

She stayed quiet for a moment.  "That might take a bit.  I don't know any cross-dressers."

My heart sank.  I dropped her off to visit with her mother and I went to my appointment.

After the appointment my wife and I went to get some dinner.  The conversation was hit and miss, but it was progress.  I finally found the words to explain the conflict in my head ... or more specifically between my head and body.

She didn't seem to quite catch what I was saying.

After a bit she commented on the area where I had the laser treatment.

I asked, "Do you think I'm strange for doing it?"

She asked if I was going to do the full face and mustache.  She has always been fond of my mustache,

"Most people don't look very feminine with a mustache."  I giggled.  "I did tell you I want to look feminine."

"Do you want to grow boobs?"

"I would have to take hormones to grow boobs."

There was a long silence.

"Would it bother you if I wanted boobs?"  I was practically shaking from nervousness at this point.

My wife rambled a bit without specifically answering the question.

"But I will still be me."  I paused for just a second.  "Whether I grow boobs or whatever I will be the same person."

We stopped at a gas station.  The rest of the conversation can be summed up with one of her sentences. "When I said I do, 'til death do us part I meant it.  We will be together forever no matter what you do or how you look or anything. Even if you want surgery to change how you look."

After filling the car we went to K-mart to grab a couple essentials.  I found a darling little leopard purse which was on sale.  I just had to get it.

On the way home I told her that she was never supposed to fall in love with me.  I was looking for a reason to get out of the area.  If she didn't have feelings for me I would have left this area and never looked back ... but she love me, and I stayed.

Apparently I never told her that before.  But I told her I am happy I made the decision I did.

And tonight I'm happier than I've been in a long time.