Tuesday, July 24, 2012

What am I thinking?!?!

I rarely go back and actually read what I blog ... I check certain posts to see what I've mentioned and whatnot, but I do not reread what I type. I don't want to rehash or second guess what I've said ... these are not planned or scripted entries and I want to keep the semi-spontaneous, derailed train of thought atmosphere.

Anyway ... I feel like I've been a bit negative lately. I've been negative in my posts and in person (but as far as I know, nobody who reads has ever met me in person). I woke up before the alarm this morning and was ruminating recent events. I decided that I need to go back to the practice of finding something positive about every day ... That's about the time my 20 pound cat (named Moose) jumped on my stomach and almost caused a major bladder eruption. This my my Moose kitty

So I eventually roll out of bed and begin to get ready. At the forefront of my mind is the consultation with the laser hair removal clinic ... I was actually considering canceling ... but that would not help anything and only delay the inevitable ... and the necessary. Then her come the what ifs ... the stupid nagging questions and doubts. Stupid things like, "What if they ask why I want my beard removed?" and "What if I don't like the people?" and other issues along the same line.

STOP IT!! All I'm doing is having a short consultation too see if I'm a good candidate for laser, then I'm bringing the information to my wife to discuss how we can afford it. And if they ask why I will be perfectly honest ... or make up some off the cuff excuse ... whichever I think of first.

Fine ... I'm set. Then my wife's cell phone rings. She sounded very upset so I ran to the bedroom .... Shit ... Her uncle passed away. She's sitting in bed crying, saying, "I just can't deal with it all anymore." I was near tears, but tried to be strong for her.

After worrying about all the stupid little things I was given a punch to the gut reminder of what is truly important. Now I was ready to cancel my appointment and call off from work.

We hugged, we talked ... she would be alright.

I will skip the story of the drive where I was stuck behind the little truck towing a big boat which was not set properly on the trailer. Part of me wanted to see the boat fall off the trailer ... I had my camera ready just in case. The bigger part of me knew that would make me late. Such conflict.

So I am at the laser clinic. The receptionist was very nice ... the nurse (the laser tech) was very nice. No questions, no funny looks. She said that most men have trouble (aka a lot of pain) in the upper lip area, so that will be done last. She suggested a numbing cream to use before treatments and suggested doing below the jaw first then from the jaw to the cheek. I actually like this because the area under the jaw is where I loathe shaving the most and some of my densest hair is under my chin. She explained the prices ... not as bad as I feared. So now I have all the information to bring home ... so I can leave, right?

Nope!! Not me. I am suddenly so eager to get this done that I set up an appointment!

For everything that was going on in my head I had a pretty productive day at work ... but mostly I was worried about my wife. I would have left very early except we had a mandatory teleconference for all staff.

After the meeting I tried calling home, but my wife didn't answer. I tried her cell phone, no answer. I did a little paperwork to get ready for tomorrow and tried again. No answer. I was starting to get a little worried. Unfortunately my manager (who I get along with very well) chose this time to send me an email questioning my training schedule for the next few days ... I'm afraid I was a little rude in my reply, but I was approaching freak out mode because I did not know what was going on at home ... Had my wife done something to herself, was she sleeping ... My imagination is great for stories but horrible for trying to reason things out.

And oh my gawd!! remind me to tell you about the horrible dream I had just before I woke up this morning.

Anyway. I'm on my way home, trying to remain calm. My cell phone rings. I think it's likely my manager wanting to talk to me about my email. It wasn't ... It was my wife.

I actually teared up when I heard her voice. I was so relieved ... and felt even better when she sounded much less distressed than this morning.

After I heard from her I called my manager and apologized. I explained the entire situation and we will talk tomorrow.

Anyway - the dream. I will warn you that it is a bit graphic. I sometimes have very realistic dreams that sometimes do not make any sense. I will try to keep this short.

*** *** ***

The Dream

A feeling of excitement filled my veins as we parked in front of the bowling alley. Scott muttered something unintelligible as we hopped out of the car and headed to the door.

"She's been doing this as long as I can remember," I said as we scanned the lanes for familiar faces.

Scott laughed. "Your mom is something else. I hope I'm that active at 86."

We saw my wife behind lane 7 and 8. She was sitting with another lady and a man at a small table.

"Hey look," Scott said. "It's Karen."

This can't be right, I was thinking. Karen is dead.

We approached the group. My mom waved from the lanes. She looked tired, but not unusual for bowling 6 games in one day. There was an awkward silence as we stood by the table.

I kissed my wife.

"Hey! There it is." I pointed to a game near the end of the house. "You still owe me a game, dude."

Scott playfully nudged me. "I owe you? That's not how I remember it."

We headed toward the arcade. Karen, my wife and the man were close behind. As we walked the atmosphere changed. The lighting became dark and the mood became very somber.

We all walked outside. At this point I realize that I have long painted fingernails and I could feel earrigns dangling from my lobes.

"That's alright. You guys go and make sure everything is alright," the man said as we approached Scott's car. He was holding something in his right hand, but I could not tell what it was.

Make sure everything's alright, I thought. What's going on? My heart started racing.

Scott, Karen, my wife and I started to climb into the car. Karen stepped back. "Oh ... I guess I'm not going." She giggled and winked.

Why is she staying with him?

We backed out of the space and headed toward the street. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Karen walking with the man. He dropped a pace behind, but continued to walk. He took the object in his hand and jabbed it at her right ankle.

Karen staggered.

I tried to speak but couldn't.

The man jabbed the object into the back of her knee. A look of terror etched into her face. She fell to the ground.

He cut her head off. He looked up and saw I was looking.

"Go, go, go!" I yelled.

Scott floored the accelerator. We flew across the street and into a grassy area. The car fishtailed as he tried to maintain control. We approached a street.

"Turn right! Turn right," I hollered. My voice was sounding more feminine and very scared.

I woke up to a pretty major anxiety attack.