Thursday, July 19, 2012

Transition

According to dictionary.com:

transition  (trænˈzɪʃən) 
— n
1.change or passage from one state or stage to another
2.the period of time during which something changes from onestate or stage to another

Origin:
1545–55;  < Latin trānsitiōn-  (stem of trānsitiō a going across,


So really ... who exactly reads my blog?  I mean, seriously ... I am about as interesting as that giant tub of cafeteria pudding at the all you can eat joint in town.   


After many weeks of hectic, unpredictable, frustrating emotional upheaval I think I'm in for a few weeks of relative calm before the wind-sprint that is known as the school year start up.  My feet and knees are almost unbearable, but my shoe inserts should be here by the weekend ... hopefully the pain will be eased and I will be able to get back to something resembling exercise.


It's funny.  I feel like I have made no progress toward my transition ... and the truth is I am inching forward rather than taking confident strides ... I'm not confident.  Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Am I truly destined to be female?  Will I regret pursuing my true self so late in life?  Will I regret waiting so long? I want to make so much more progress, yet I am far too tentative.


So I looked at my driver's license the other day for the first time in a while ... I have changed some.  I've changed enough  for people to do a double or triple take when they check my ID ... but I still look way to masculine.  I hate my 5 o'clock shadow ... the stubble that is so blatantly obvious ... and I am so tired of shaving.


Solution - Electrolysis


Problem - I'm a wuss.  I'm scared.  But I saw the electrologist ... I like her.  She is honest, straight forward and suggested laser because I have dark hair and light skin.


OK ... So all I have to do is contact the laser center.


Problem - I'm a wuss.  I'm scared.  But I called the center today.  I am sure they are busy and can't see me for a few weeks ... "Tuesday?  This Tuesday?  Ummm ... Sure, I can do that."


Shit!  I'm actually doing this.  Or is it Yay!  I'm actually doing this.


I don't know, but I'm nervous.


So am I in transition?  I think I'm like the 2 feral kittens we have in our yard.  They start in their safe spot ... under a car, behind the shed, whatever ... they sneak out a bit at a time.  They want to get to the avocado tree half way across the yard, but they aren't brave enough to just run over there.  So they sneak, and sneak and soon they are well out in the open and unprotected.  They realize that they are in the open so they run back to the safe place ... they don't realize that they were half way there and they could have run to the tree just as easily.


I feel the need to run back to safety.  I must resist because I know I am closer to my goal than I think, but I am out in the open and unprotected, and I'm scared