Sunday, July 22, 2012

So then why do I keep shooting myself in the foot?

You would think that I would know better than to do things that are counterproductive to reaching my goals. That's a no brainer, right?

Ultimate goal - be true to myself.  How can I expect others to accept me as Tiffanie when I cannot truly be myself in front of them?  I just love being Tiffanie here online ... I'm even being more Tiff-like at home, but at work it is harder to drop the walls and allow people to see in.

I still have not been completely honest with my wife about the direction everything is going.  She is very smart and has probably figured most everything out, but I cannot truly be true to myself when I am not being truthful to those around me.

Weight loss - I've been down this road before. In fact I've been up and down it many times.  I know what to do, and more importantly what not to do.  If I lose weight I can feel more comfortable with my body, relieve some of my medical issues and show my doctor I am serious about wanting to make changes ... which in turn will hopefully help him decide to put me on hormones.

So why then do I throw myself into the pool of potato chips and cookies when I start to think about the benefits of weight loss?  There is nothing but good that can come from this, but I shoot myself in the foot with my food choices and my lack of exercise regiment.

I just seem to have this recurring mental block that won't allow me to pursue goals beyond a certain point.  It is frustrating.

I know this sounds like just a bunch of bellyaching on my part ... well it is, but .... When I am online and I see  so many transwomen working so hard to reach their goal ... the sacrifices and troubles they've endured and the tremendous progress they have achieved and I am sitting at home, overweight and out of shape it just makes me realize I should be doing so much more.

Sorry for the horrible run-on sentence.

So today a wonderful lady took her time to answer some skin care and makeup questions I had (Thank you Zoe).  I am very excited about this and am looking forward to trying out her advice ... but will I?  I hope so.

Maybe I'm just a little down ... or just being down on myself today, but I feel like I desperately need to change the way I do things before I can change who I am.