Thursday, June 28, 2012

Wednesday update ...

... Except it's not Wednesday.

I did not accomplish all that I set out to do this week while my wife and I were out of town, but I still had a nice time ... even at the boring training sessions I had to attend.

Starting with eh not so good ... I did not tell my wife the complete truth (although I'm sure she must realize it is not as simple as wearing clothes ... she ain't stupid).  I also did not ask if she was going to friend my Tiffanie account, or at least create an alter ego so I could say "Married to ..."  Until then I will respect her privacy and not use her name.  I wonder if she thinks I don't want her on my new account, but I won't know until I ask ... and I can't really ask until I tell her more of the truth ...

Endless downward loop :-(

We did, however, speak much more openly about things ... Not necessarily in this order, and not all on the same night she said she would help me with my makeup so I can take a pic that in not a virtual makeover ... it will be me.  She is going to measure me so I can buy a bra (as fat as I am I almost need a bra, but ...).  There is a cute leopard print bra that I would love to order.  What is it about leopard print that makes me go so nuts?

I bought a top that is much less unisex ... actually a little feminine ... and I can't wait to wear it.

At the company meetings, where nobody knows I am Tiffanie, I did a carefully planned not so subliminal change of appearance.  Keep in mind the last time most of these people saw me I had shorter hair, a mustache, no earrings and only wore dark colors.  Tuesday I wore a maroon polo shirt, matching stockings and gold hoop earrings and made sure I was very clean shaven (yes, I know ... not fem, but definitely not masculine).  I got a couple of glances ... and I felt a bit nervous.  I initially put up my "dude shield," but very quickly relaxed.  I did not act feminine, but I did not feel like I had to act masculine.  I engaged in some "girl talk" and kind of relaxed into myself.  I think it was the first time many of these people have seen my sense of humor ... and it flowed freely.  Wednesday I wore an azure shirt with braided hair (thank you sweetheart), matching stud earrings and some pretty floral stockings.  Today I was rather drab, but I needed to wear a lightweight shirt because we were out in the heat for half the day ... yuk!!

No ... this is nothing horribly exciting, but it is a tiny amount of progress.

The only downside (a microblip on the radar screen of my time) was during an old training video.  A former employee who was a MtF transgendered person was in a few scenes and a couple muttered something ... the rest will be explained in my flashback ...

*** *** ***

Date - 1994

A new driver began working for our company.  Out of respect I will not use her name, for sake of the story I will call her Sue.

The rumors, finger pointing, giggling and rude comments began very early ... Sue is a man.  I was excited, scared, curious, but did not want to seem over anxious to meet the new driver.  There were so many questions I had ... so much information I could gain ... If I could gain the courage to talk to her.

The problem, which I realized after I met her, Sue was very masculine ... and she had little, if any voice training.  She had several masculine mannerisms and wore clothing that seemed to minimize her feminine attributes.

In other words, she was everything I was afraid I would be ... what I am still afraid of.

Before I go any further ... She has my utmost admiration.  She had the courage to step forward and be true to herself.  If you think I am being disrespectful I apologize.  The truth is I actually defended Sue from many of the snide remarks people made behind her back.  I did my best to explain why a person would  transition from male to female ... at least what I could without outing myself.

Unfortunately Sue was also a bit intolerable.  She always wanted to be front and center ... and very vocal.  She was not She was not demanding equal rights or better treatment.  She wasn't saying accept me for who I am.  She was obsessively wanting to be in the middle of everything.  The problem was everything she did was done with the attitude that the veteran drivers did not know what we were doing, and we should stop doing things our way and listen to her with her 5 or 6 weeks of experience.

This same attitude brought some sharp sarcasm toward many a new driver, not just Sue.

I met up with Sue several years later while she was with a different company (the company I currently work for) ... she hadn't changed.  Well, she looked a bit more feminine and her voice was a little better, but the attitude remained the same.  She immediately started telling me how superior the new company was and how many things I and the old company could learn.  I was a trainer by this time and had matured a bit ... rather than pepper her with what would have been well earned sarcasm, I wished her well and drove off.

*** *** ***

So years later I am reviewing training videos for my new company.  Low and behold who do I see ... Sue.  I cannot help but wonder what has come of her.  Was she successful in her transition?  Is she still in the transportation industry??  Has her know it all attitude changed???

Sue ... if you're reading ... if you know who you are I wish you well.