Thursday, June 21, 2012

Sometimes I wonder ...

Try as I might, I just cannot shake or alter this out of sync, up and down feeling I've had over the past few days.  It is eerily similar to the feelings I had a couple years ago before I fell off the edge and landed in a horribly depression ... the lack of sleep, the moodiness, the apathy.

Sometimes I wonder of these bouts of depression are exasperated by my trying to keep hide my gender issue, or denying that I am what I am ...  a transgendered woman.

I am a transgendered woman plain and simple ... but if it's a simple as that, then why are my depression symptoms seemingly getting worse when I'm finally deciding to deal with it?

Sometimes I wonder if I had not met my wife where I'd be today.  I was truly in crisis mode and did not want nor need a relationship.  I was young and hurting and wanted to disappear off the face of the earth.  Would I have run away and committed suicide?  Would I have disappeared and tried to find my way through my transgender issue at a time when information and resources were not easily available for transsexuals?

The past is the past and cannot be changed ... and I likely would not change anything I have done because it is the accumulations of my experiences that make me who I am today.

But if I am satisfied with my life as it has been, then why do I feel the urge to change now?  I am not less happy with my wife or son.  Sometimes I wonder if I am simply going insane and just don't realize it.

Yet despite all the reasons I can think of to not pursue my true self, despite the fact that I am certain that many of my family and friends will not accept me as a female, I feel the need to follow my dreams ... my desires ... my soul.

I feel as though I'm crawling across the hot, brutal desert toward the closest water hole.  I know the water is there ... I can smell it ... I can almost see it, but I feel as if  I will never get there.  If I give up or just don't get there I will die an agonizing death never know what it feels like to truly be feminine ... to be a woman.

But I am cautious ... I am always cautious and analyze everything.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being too cautious .. But then again I wonder if I am charging ahead too quickly.  Am I expecting to much too soon?  Am I grasping for a brass ring ring that is clearly out of reach?  Would I be better off if I just came out and let everyone know where my life is heading?

Slow and steady wins the race ... but the early bird gets the worm.

Why put off for tomorrow what you can do today ... Patience is a virtue ... He who hesitates is lost ... A fool  always rushes to the fore ...

My feelings and thoughts remain so conflicted in many ways. 

This is one of my precious kitties.  Her name is Little One.  She is 10 years old this year