Friday, June 15, 2012

Really, I wasn't ...

Really, I wasn't going to write anything today and probably tomorrow.  This has been such a hectic week with such elevated stress at home and at work ... all I wanted to do was to survive.

I went to another appointment with my counselor yesterday ... I talked ... I talked and talked and talked.  I was very open, very candid.  I felt good ... a catharsis of sorts.  I joked around, but was able to stay on a serious on the important issues.

About 40 minutes into the appointment my therapist said, "It sounds like you're really ready to move forward.  It sounds like your ready for hormones ..."

I'm sure she said something after that, but my brain went numb at that point.  This is real ... I'm actually doing this.  I started rambling off some of the procedures and protocol for HRT.  It was like a trivial knowledge floodgate opened and I couldn't stop it.  I know I won't get approved for HRT this quickly ... I wondering if she threw that out to see what my reaction would be ...but it was an unexpected, yet very exciting twist to our conversation.

And if I were approved for hormone therapy today I would jump at the opportunity.

Wednesday evening I was wearing a leopard print top and leggings.  My sister and brother-in-law came over.  I'm sure my brother-in-law is a bit of a homophobe ... he stared at me.  He didn't comment, but he stared and stared ... I was laughing on the inside.

Sooooo ... last night I was wearing a nice purple top.  When they came to visit again he sat with his back to me and wouldn't look at me ... sad thing is he didn't see the pretty earrings I was wearing to my therapist appointment ... he likely would have come unglued.  I am not going to wear stuff to intentionally antagonize him, but if he is coming to my house and doesn't like how I look then he doesn't have to stay.

Tonight when they came over again my wife and I decided to go shopping and get a little dinner.  We parked in front of a plus size clothing store next to the restaurant.  "look dear," she said.  "They're having a bra sale."

I just smiled.

"You said you wanted to be feminine.  That would be the way to go.  You can have boobs."

I didn't know what to say, but I figured out that I don't think I would be comfortable bra shopping yet.  I can buy my own panties, stockings, leggings and tops but I cringed at the thought of bra shopping ... Oh well.

I am looking forward with a strange mix of excitement and trepidation to the weeks ahead.  Will I be approved for hormones quicker than I thought?  Will I continue to feel more comfortable discussing and becoming me?  I feel better about things today than I did just a few days ago.