It's probably not a good time for me to be writing ... I'm not in a good mood ... That stupid out of sync, depression feeling is just gnawing at me. Everything is annoying me.
Next week I have to go to a 3 day conference to cover new training material the company has developed ... whatever the polar opposite of a happy dance is, that's what I'm doing. I figured if my wife went with me I'd at least be able to enjoy the evenings ... and maybe we'll have time to talk more ... and spend some quiet time ... some girl time.
The past few days have been rough for me mentally. Yesterday I wanted to crawl inside a hole and disappear. I did not want to be sociable, interact or even be near people ... of course yesterday my nephews and nieces decide to celebrate one of my niece's birthday at our house ... and of course we would fix dinner ... Typical. My foot was killing me, I was on edge and everyone was going to hang around and want to rehash how my evil sister in law drove my brother to commit suicide.
It took a full xanax and a half a vicodin, but I decided the best thing to do was to control the conversation ... Brilliant!! I did not dominate the conversation, just directed it.
Today I'm doing a little better, but I'm still irritable and a bit out of sync. I am trying to get ready to go to my conference tomorrow afternoon (the conference is Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday). I grab a load of laundry for both my wife and me ... but the washer is occupied by my nephew's clothes. No problem, I'll just put it in the dryer ... but the dryer has the rest of my nephew's clothes ... ... ... my brain popped.
I go to my computer to relax, but the kids (son, nephew & nieces, all of whom are 21+ years old) are watching something in their room which is a bit loud and a tad bit annoying.
At about this time my wife comes out and tells me my niece who is living with us is having some medical issues and might need to see a doctor. She asked if it would be ok if I went down on Monday and came back Tuesday after the conference and picked her up and we could spend Tuesday and Wednesday night together.
A little bit of So Cal traffic math. Conference ends at 5:00 pm ... I have to drive 75 miles in the worst of the LA rush hour. The earliest I pick her up is 7:30 ... so even if we left literally the minute I got home the best we would do is get back to the hotel by 9:00 ... just in time for me to wind down and go to bed for the next day.
Now the big problem is if I say I don't like this idea it sounds like I don't care for my niece ... but if I say alright it totally screws up and already pretty screwed week.
I can't win.
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Date - August 1975
I was at camp. I was excited because all my brothers and sisters loved camp. I got assigned to cabin 15 (which actually was a dorm room, but ...). Dave was my counselor and I had 7 other boys that would soon be my friends because we are all Christians and we all love each other.
I took me about 8.2 minutes to realize I didn't fit in ... again. The other boys were such typical boys. I was not.
I cried. Everyone assumed I was homesick, but I could not tell my male Christian counselor that I should be with the girls. I felt so out of place.
This process repeated itself pretty much every year, although I didn't cry every year. Like with school I fended off the bullies with a sharp, sarcastic sense of humor. And when the bullies turned their attention to others who were not as able to defend themselves I played peace maker ... better to take the heat myself than to watch someone else get tortured.
People often wonder why I am critical of Christians and their behaviors ... it's because I've seen the first hand how hurtful this condescending, hypocritical attitudes can be.
Yes ... we believe in tolerance. As long as you believe exactly what we do and do exactly what we tell you to we'll tolerate you.
That's not what the Bible teaches, and it is not what Jesus teaches.
These religious bullies have obviously forgotten the quote, "Do unto others ..." and so forth. Either that or they want to be outcast, excluded, picked on and bullied for no other reason than for trying to be themselves.
Sorry for the religion rant.
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And just to update. My wife understands my point of view regarding my niece and realizes she put me into a no win situation. We are going to see if somebody else can take my niece to the doctor, and if not we'll schedule an appointment for Friday.