Sunday, June 3, 2012

Going down the checklist ...

Today has been busy, hectic, sweaty, funny and irritating ... I did say in my last post that I was psychotic or something. Anyway ...

When I got out of bed this morning I put on the same clothes I wore on Saturday - Leopard print capri leggings and a solid ecru tank top.  I knew I was going to get all sweaty and dirty and didn't want to wear a clean outfit for such dirty work.  My wife and I are reorganizing our patio, and this includes tearing down some old, build it yourself type cabinets and putting up shelving units.

Because we thought there was going to be much more heavy lifting and physical labor involved we asked our nephew if he could help.  In return we do his laundry and feed him.  So my nephew wakes up and comes out of the bedroom (he got here after we went to bed) and sees me with no mustache and wearing my outfit … He did do a double take, but did not comment, snicker or ask anything.

A little later my mom gets home from a trip.  The shuttle van is dropping her and our neighbor from across the street.  My wife and I went to help her with her 2 items of luggage.  I got about three steps out of the house and thought, “Oh my God.  I’m going out where everyone can see me.”  I stopped dead in my tracks for a second, then went out into the street.  I can’t say I was confident, or even horribly comfortable, but I decided I didn’t care what anybody thought or said (or at least I convinced myself of that for a few moments).

OK … So what is this checklist I mentioned in the title?  I tend to berate myself for not doing enough or not accomplishing things in a timely manner.  When it comes to my eventual transition I began thinking about this yesterday:

10+ year ago my wife started shaving my back
8 years ago I started shaving my arms and legs
6 years ago I started shaving by entire torso
*** Side note: I change razorblades more often than some people change underwear.
5 years ago I started wearing women’s panties and nylons or trouser socks every day
4 years ago I started wearing women’s pants every day (although they are unisex)
3 years ago I got both ears pierced
3 years ago I started growing my hair long
2 years ago I got a second piercing in both ears
1 year ago I started wearing hoops on a regular basis instead of just studs.
1 year ago I started being very conscious of color coordinating my outfits with my earrings and hair ties.
1 month ago I created a new Facebook account to seek out other transgender people for advice
1 month ago I started this blog to sort out my own thoughts and try to make sense of things
2 weeks ago I started seeking a therapist
1 week ago I made my first appointment
3 days ago I said out loud I am a transsexual for the first time to anybody
3 days ago I told my wife more information about why I am in counseling (still not 100% honest)
2 days ago I shaved off my mustache

What’s my point?  I am transitioning.  I’ve been transitioning for a very long time … I just hit the point where I cannot do things by myself or in secret any more.  This may be the slowest male to female transition in history. 

The pic is of me without my mustache.  I did a virtual makeover to help me see myself as a little more feminine.

What's the rest of my checklist?  This list in not complete, nor is it any specific order.

Continue counseling and learn to be comfortable with myself
Lose weight and take care of other health concerns
Discuss with my doc and get on a HRT program
Allow my feminine side to be more prevalent at work, in public and at home
Start living as a female part time
Legally change my name to Tiffanie
Research facial feminization surgery
Work on my female voice
Live full time as a female
Possibly follow this all the way to surgery