Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Babbling like a hyperactive teenage girl ...

First off let me say if I repeat myself I apologize.  I don't go back and review prior posts ... each post is generally an individual story, issue or thought ... although I may refer to previous posts from time to time.

Secondly, let me say if I repeat myself I apologize.  I don't go back and review prior posts ... each post is generally an individual story, issue or thought ... although I may refer to previous posts from time to time.

I had a chance to talk to my manager today.  I covered the work related issues with the usual confidence, precision, sarcasm and wisecracks.  I didn't want to keep her because it was technically her day off, she had just popped by to take care of something quick.  I said, "I'm deciding if I want to tell you the non-work related thing or not."

She leaned back in her chair.  "Go ahead."

"Just in case you see me acting a little more psychotic than usual."  I stared at the ceiling ... something I do when I'm entirely uncomfortable.  "I'm seeing a counselor again ... for ... for things that are likely to be more life altering."

She and I have had this close work, therapist, friendship thing since she first transferred to our facility.  We have joked around about anything and everything ... nothing is sacred.  She has known from early on that there is something different about me and has told me to be true to myself many times.  I always assumed she knew, or at least suspected that my issues were gender related and not sexual orientation related.  She asked me, "Why now?"

"It's just everything ... I don't know."  I exhaled.  "Tell me what you suspect and we can go from there."

"Well, I would think it has something to do with sexual orientation."  She looked straight into my eyes.  "Or you no longer want to be married."

"I want to stay married ... that's a big part of the issue."  My brain started spinning, I couldn't think of the words I wanted to say.  "My issue is more gender related."

The conversation was very positive and we got into a little more detail.  The best part is she assured me that she would be there in whatever way I needed during this time.  At some point, and for some reason I said, "It's not going to change me.  I'll still have the same sense of humor and tell the same stupid jokes."

We laughed for a bit.  I'm glad we talked.

*** *** ***

Date:  Fall 1976

My brother and I had finally gotten our own rooms.  There had only been 3 kids in the house with very few returning or visiting siblings for a few years.  The siblings clothing still needed to be stored, so they got stored in my room mostly ... there was still girls clothing in my room.

Now I am not saying that if the clothing had been somewhere else that these events would not have happened.  I'm sure I would have found girls clothing somewhere in the house to dress in.  Having the clothing in my room only made it easier.

Although I can't give specifics (dates, reasons or whatever) I know several times after we changer rooms I wore my sister's underwear to school.  I was scared someone would find out, but I was so happy because they were fitting a little better than just a couple years before.  I was getting confident and a little bold.  I wore some of the undergarments around the house ... but of course nobody saw them.

One night before bed I put on a night gown I was planning on sleeping in.  My brother called me to his room for something, so I put on my boy pajamas over the nightgown ... he saw it.  He wrestles me to the ground and pulled it out from under my pjs.  "Go take that off now, before you get in trouble."

I was embarrassed, hurt and angry.  Why would he care what I am wearing?  Why would I get in trouble?  Why wouldn't he try to understand my feelings?  It was devastating.  I made sure to keep my clothing choices better hidden from that day forward ... I never stopped wearing them, I just made sure I was much more careful.