Friday, June 1, 2012

24+ hours later

I think I am truly psychotic or bipolar or something.  I am so relieved that I am finally seeking help for my issues, but that is accompanied by the fear ... the realization that it is now official.  It is written in my records that I suffer from gender identity disorder ... that I am transsexual.  There is no more denying it, or hiding it.

I spent half the morning today thinking, "Oh my God, what have I done?"  I flooded my mind with dozens of "What if ..." questions.  At the same time I can't wait for my next appointment ... I can't wait to dive deeper into the issues which have haunted me for decades.

I am desperately afraid that somebody will discover I am in therapy ... and worse yet, that I am in therapy for gender issues.  At the same time I can hardly wait to tell my manager ... She is a lesbian and is very comfortable with herself.  She is my boss, my friend and my part-time therapist.  From very early on after she transferred to our facility she has told me that I need to be true to myself.  I've made some generalized comments and not so subtle hints, so I suspect that she knows about me but respects me enough not to pursue the subject.

In short ... I feel like I'm going nuts.  I feel more emotionally unbalanced than I did yesterday before my appointment.

*** *** ***

Date - August 1974

My brother and sister were away at camp.  I was the only kid in the house for the first time ever.

I am the youngest of eight children, and I grew up in a five bedroom house.  By the time I was 8 or 9 most of my older siblings had moved out ... to college ... joined the military or whatever.

My parents grew up in the depression, they did not throw many things away ... they stored them.  Books, shoes, clothes and pretty much everything else.  They stored these things in the remaining kids' rooms.

There were girls clothes in my brother's and my room ... I wanted to wear them.  I needed to wear them.  It felt so right, so natural.  I did not leave my bedroom (let's not get stupid here ... my dad was a WWII vet and would have killed me) ... the clothes did not fit right ... but I did wear them ... even the shoes.  I was happy and scared to death that somebody would know.

Date - September 1975

I was home after school.  The usual boring afternoon programs were on.  I was generally not allowed to change channels.  I generally went outside and played until ... well, until being outside bored me even more than the television.

It was a Monday (I wasn't positive it was a Monday until I Googled the 1975 calendar, but I did know it was early in the school week) ... Anyway, the show Medical Center with Chad Everett started ... I groaned.  I don't know why I didn't just get up and leave, but I watched.  Maybe it was because Robert Reed (Mr. Brady from the Brady Bunch) was a guest star.  Maybe it was just a twist of destiny.

Early in the show they divulged the big secret ... Mr Brady (Dr. Caddison on the show) wanted to be a woman and he had been taking hormones to become feminine.

My 10 year old brain heard, "A boy took some special medicine and became a girl."  Really?!?!  How can I get these medicines?

Unfortunately I did not get to see the end of the story because it was a 2 part episode.  I ran home from school the next day to see the end of the story.  "What channel does Medical center come on?"

"I thought you didn't like that show."  I believe it was my sister, but it may have been my mother who said this.

"Ummmm ..."  I didn't know what to say.  I was not going to say, "I want to see the story about the boy who becomes a girl."

"It comes on once a week, not every day."

I think I almost cried.  I couldn't wait a week to see how the story ended.  I was going crazy waiting, but eventually the second part aired.  I was engrossed, amazed and hopeful that someday Dr. Gannon (Chad Everett's character) would help me become a girl.