Sunday, May 27, 2012

Thoughts ...

I've been thinking for a little while that maybe I just don' get it.

I have a beautiful wife, I have a fabulous son, I have a steady job that pays the bills, I have a nice place to live and a reliable car ... I have everything a person could want ... Why then do I want to change the most identifiable thing about myself?

If I hated being a man the decision would be easier and I likely would not be having this discussion right now.  Being a man allowed me to be the father to a wonderful two wonderful sons.  The first died at 3 months from SIDS, the younger is going to college and still deciding what he wants to major in ... I don't hate being male, I just feel I am not truly male

If I didn't love my wife with all my heart the decision to transition would be much easier.  I would rather die than to hurt her, so her feelings towards my decisions play a factor in everything I do.  If I didn't worry about losing her then transitioning to female would be much easier because it wouldn't have any dire consequences.

I do not regret anything I have done, or not done in my life.  Where I am today is a direct result of all the decisions I have made to this point ... So why then do I feel it is time to change?

There lies the conflict.

If it ain't broke then why fix it?  Everything's worked well, or at least not been horrible for all my life so why does something need to change?

I don't know how to answer these questions other than saying I have felt like I was out of place, not right or in the wrong body for literally as long as I can remember.  I have developed many coping mechanisms to help get through these feelings, but as I've gotten older the feelings have become more intense ... now there is no coping mechanism that works any more.

I do not know how far down this path I will travel, but I must at least reach a place where I am comfortable with myself.