Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Just an ordinary day ...

Date - Late 1969 or early 1970.  I was not in kindergarten yet.

It was a typical Friday night - My parents were heading out to go bowling while my siblings and I were preparing to watch Star Trek while eating some form of light meal.  Two of my sisters were in their bedroom so I went back to see what they were doing, I found them looking through some makeup and talking about something to do with school or something.  I asked them about the eye shadow and they asked if I wanted to look like a girl ... I said yes.

I seriously doubt they actually put any on me, but after the initial exhilaration of being girly wore off I became scared ... My dd would see me and know I wasn't acting like a boy.  I had already dealt with comments like "long haired kook" because I let my hair grow long enough to touch the top of my ears and "daft lass" because I would get emotional over silly and unimportant things according to him.  If he saw me wearing eye shadow he would come unglued and I knew it.  It was my first experience of wanting to show everyone how pretty and girly I was and being scared of the repercussions of my choices.

I don't recall ever wanting to play with girly toys, but the boy toys (trucks, tractors, and so on) became very boring to me.  I was aware of the concept of "this is a boy thing and that is a girl thing" but it wouldn't really smack me in the head until I went to school.

*** *** ***

Today was yet another very stressful in an ongoing string of stressful and generally terrible days.  The details are  not as important as the fact that work continues to be more and more stressful and the family issues I deal with at home just don't seem to go away.  To be fair, my wife deals with the majority of the family bullshit (her mom, her brother and a few other things) but the fact that she is stressed and I try to be there to support her gives me little or no relief from anything.  It feels like I cannot even breathe somedays.

Today on the way home I snapped at my wife over what we were having for dinner ... This is starting to feel a lot like 2 years ago.

2 years ago I suffered from horrible insomnia.  Some times I would get only 3 or 4 hours of sleep for an entire week ... I also began showing signs of depression and getting upset over stupid little things while the big things kept piling up ... I can't go through that again.  I called my insurance and made a self referral for psychological counseling.  I will be seeing a different one than last time.  Hopefully I have the fortitude to discuss some of the more important issues  ... and perhaps learn to face some of my fears.