Thursday, May 31, 2012

It's gone ... it's over.

So I won't leave you in suspense ... I went to the therapist.  After some background questions and a bit of history she asked, "So why are you here today?"

Silence.  The knot in my throat was so big I couldn't even breathe.  "This should be the simple thing to answer."  I squirmed and started sweating.  "Conflict."  I couldn't even make eye contact.  "My brain and my body don't seem to agree on things."

"In what way?"  She was so patient and kind.

I tried to answer but only strange sounds were coming out.  I looked up at the ceiling.  "In how I'm supposed to be physically."

She paused.  "You mean gender identity?"

I nodded.  I felt like tears were welling up but non trickled down my cheeks."

"You feel like you're supposed to be a woman?"

I tried to say "yes" but all I could do was nod.  I felt like I was going to sink into some great abyss ... I felt completely isolated and helpless.

"Have you ever said that out lod before?"

"No."   My voice was quivering, my heart was racing and I thought about running out the door.

The rest of the session was kind of a blur.  I know she was talking and I was answering questions but it was in a swirl of emotion.  She asked if I was comfortable talking to her about this and I said yes.  She's willing to help and even do some family sessions if and when they are needed.

I cried and laughed all the way home.

After I got home I finally gained the courage to talk to my wife in more detail ... but still not 100% disclosure.  I explained what the course of the session was about, and told her I was so afraid that I was going to do something that was going to drive her away from me ... I felt the tears welling up again.

She told me that I could never do anything that would make her leave.

The conversation went on from there, but everything was positive ... except she really doesn't want me to shave my mustache, but understands that I want to.  So tomorrow morning, or right after work the mustache is gone.

I still feel anxiety over what lies ahead, but I know I have a good counselor and more importantly, my wife behind me.