Saturday, May 26, 2012

It's complicated

I survived a long and brutal week.  It took everything I had mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  I am exhausted today and not in the mood to do much.

I forget sometimes to explain basic things ... like living arrangements.

Many years ago my son began living with my Mother in law and Father in law.  He went to school closer to them and they both needed a little more regular help with day to day things than my wife or I could provide while working full time jobs.  The fact that my wife's useless brother lives just 4 doors down the street is not relative, it's always been up to us to provide the help.  Although it did cause us to not see our son quite as much during the week it did not have an adverse effect on our family unit.

A few years ago my siblings became worried about our mother.  She is 8o+ years old and lives in a house with a large lot where she enjoys doing yard work and other things.  As I am the youngest o the family and lived close by I was elected to move in to keep her from doing too much (which is not possible).  This turned out to be a blessing in disguise because shortly thereafter my wife lost her job due to suffering from depression and anxiety so our financial situation only became horrible rather than being on the streets.

My mom says I remind her so much of her father ... I don't see how.  I never met my grandpa, but I seriously doubt he wore ladies panties, nylon stockings or other women's clothing.  This fact creates a huge issue.  If I proceed with any form of actual transition while living here it will likely be entirely too stressful on my mother.

In all honesty I am not worried about offending my siblings.  They didn't worry about offending me when they called me a couple of girls names, or when they teased me mercilessly because I giggle like a girl, and ..., and ...,  the list goes on and on.  If they even remember those issues then my ultimate direction in this life should be no surprise to then.

I would be disappointed if they chose to not let their children associate with my son due to my decision, but my son and the majority of my nephews and nieces are adults and should be able to make up their own minds.

*** *** *** ***

Date - Spring 1974

My teacher was mad at the class for being restless on a warm spring day.  As he barked at the class he pointed to several classmates by name and stated what they were doing that was inappropriate or distracting.  Then he pointed at me and said I was running around giggling like a little girl.

Well ... he was right, but that was just the fodder my classmates needed to make the next few years a living hell.

I know reminiscing about events from 30+ years ago doesn't prove anything other than I am capable of dwelling on negative issues.

I figure my life is a lot like that middle class issue built where the landfill used to be.  Everything looks alright, but the problem there is so much garbage burried under what I have built ... And the trash from the past is now creating massive methane pockets which are likely to explode and destroy everything.