Wednesday, May 23, 2012

I'd like to say my life's gone downhill a little

I'd like to say my life's gone downhill a little ...

But it would be a lie.  Everything has fallen off a cliff and I'm just waiting for the splat.  No ... I did not tell my wife my dirty little secret, and she did not kick me out of the house or anything.  Everything at work has gone topsy-turvy.  I have been sooo stressed out it is not even funny.  The sad thing is another long time driver will lose his job over his stupid actions.

Today, while covering his route, I saw two hawks ... Beautiful!!  I love hawks.  When I watch them soar over the hillsides I can almost feel the wind in my face ... Imagine the freedom to float effortlessly like that ... but my life has fallen off the cliff and I cannot fly.  I am crashing and nobody will be there to pick up the pieces.

Sad

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Date - Fall, 1972

There was a new girl in class, her name was Dena.  She was very cute.  Her mom always dressed her in the cutest outfits and put pretty bows or barrettes in her hair ... too bad she was a bit of a tomboy and didn't really appreciate the efforts her mom made, but she was cute.

One day Dena was wearing this pretty green dress with white lace.  She had these cute, sparkly butterfly barrettes, a darling pair of patent leather shoes and green tights.  Most of the boys made fun of her ... I didn't.  I wanted to ask her how it felt to wear a pretty dress and tights ... I wanted to be her.

When recess started we all ran toward the playground.  Dena couldn't run too fast because of her shoes ... she was a few feet behind me when she slipped and fell.  She tore her tights and started to cry.  I felt so sad for her.  Sad that she skinned her knee, sad that she ruined her outfit.  The boys just kept running ... some pointed and laughed ... I didn't ... I almost cried.

Mrs. Ackerman came running from the room, scooped her up and took her back into the class.  I didn't feel like playing or having fun after that.

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So I'm sitting here trying to relax after a long and hot day.  I'm a bit grumpy (a massive understatement, like "Isn't the Grand Canyon just a pretty little hole."), and my wife is trying to be supportive.  I tell her I need a cooler shirt so I could get out of my hot and sweaty work shirt ... she brings me a pink and slightly frilly tank-top ... I love her more than anything and it tears me apart that I am the cause of some of her anxiety and depression, but I'm afraid it will only get worse.

I do feel like my life has fallen off the cliff ... everything is out of control and there is no way to recover.