Saturday, May 19, 2012

Feeling a little down

I'm feeling a little down today :-(

First, and most important ... my niece graduated college today , but I missed it.  My bronchitis and sinus issues are really bad, so I'm sitting her updating my blog and feeling yucky instead of celebrating with my family.

Second ... I mentioned that I called my insurance for a self referral to a psychologist.  Well ... I lived up to the name of my blog.  I chickened out and haven't called.  I did call the podiatrist so I can find out why my right foot hurts almost constantly, but that's not going to help me deal with situations.

Eventually I will either try to resolve this, or I will just crawl back into my shell and die.

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Date - Spring 1972 ... I was in first grade.

All the boys in class ran to the corner of the sand covered play area for recess while the girls played hop-scotch.  I liked hop-scotch ... I wanted to play hop-scotch, but I knew I didn't fit in with the other girls, but I also didn't fit in with the boys.  I had already been teased by my classmates because I wasn't like the boys and I was too young to really comprehend the depth or details behind this ongoing rejection.  I decided to run with the boys in hopes I might not get teased that day.

As it turns out they were planning to have wrestling matches (which was against the rules) and I was immediately uncomfortable ... I didn't want to wrestle.  I stood near the back of the pack while some of the other boys wrestled to figure out who the toughest in class was.  After several short bouts it was apparent that Junior was stronger and faster than the other boys and nobody wanted to fight him ... so they elected me.

I was stuck ... Do I run off and prove I'm girly or do I get beat by the toughest and prove I'm a wimp?

I chose to wrestle.  The teasing for losing would be less intense than the teasing for running ... I won.  Somehow I won.  At that moment, for those few hours I was the toughest boy in class ... and I was miserable.  I wasn't a boy and I knew it, but I wanted to be accepted.  It made the confusion just that much worse.

The funny thing is, several years later in high school, wrestling was part of the P.E. curriculum.  The girls went to the gym to play volleyball and the boys wrestled.  I complained.  I like volleyball.  The wrestling coach and the other boys gave me hell for not wanting to wrestle.  Then I beat one of the coaches prize wrestlers ... I pinned him ... They stopped teasing me for a little while.