Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The countdown ...

First off I am totally shocked.  I just checked the blog stats and found people from several countries have viewed my blog.  I got a little paranoid thinking, "Oh my God ... everyone is going to know about me."  I guess my insecurities are getting the best of me, but I really don't want to be well known ... I just want to be me and stay anonymous.

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a therapist ... I have several issues I need to talk through, including the reason for this blog.  I don't really know where to start ... I've run the conversation through my mind dozens, if not hundreds of times and have an idea what I'm going to say ... but ... I am the Cowardly Lioness.  I've lacked the courage to do anything for over forty years.

I am not going to give any flashback stories today, although I have many.  They really do not do anything except stir up unwanted emotions in me ... the emotions and issues I need to talk to a counselor about.

I am a bit of a nervous wreck because one way or another my life will be irreversibly altered in less than 24 hours.  If I chicken out again then I will likely slide back into a deep depression ... If I talk about the big issues then I will be forced to face my fears and face myself for the first time in my life.

I truly do not know how far or how quickly I will follow this path.  With counseling I may find I am satisfied without needing to completely transition to my female self ... or I may find that I need to go all the way and live completely as a woman.  Only time will tell.

Either way I will likely give a quick update tomorrow.  Wish me luck ...